Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Wednesday, 10 May 2017

image for HB3 to Make Public Bathrooms Unavailable to Straight Men Unless They Can Prove They Aren't Child Molesters

New York, NY--The New York state legislature is poised to pass House Bill 3, which would make public bathrooms unavailable to straight men unless they can prove that they are not child molesters.

Said Representative Anthony Sawyer, one of the sponsors of the bill, "We know, statistically, that straight men are much more likely to molest children than any other demographic, so--in order to protect the most vulnerable among us--we need House Bill 3 to protect our children against the scourge that straight men pose."

When asked by the New York Post's Diane Mencken how House Bill 3 might be enforced, Rep. Sawyer replied, "It's pretty simple, Diane. Any time a straight men is accused of molesting a child, we will tattoo, on his forehead, a large M, much like the large A sewed on to the dress of Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Scarlet Letter. Once the offender has gone fifteen years without molesting a child, he can have the tattoo removed and begin to use public bathrooms again."

"But isn't this," Mencken persisted, "persecuting a specific class of individuals for crimes they may have already served time for?"

Rep. Sawyer replied, "Yes, Diane, that's true. But being a child molester is a sickness, a pre-existing condition, and until the molester can prove that he is no longer afflicted by this sickness, he has no right to piss with the rest of us. Let him find a nearby bush to piss or shit on instead."

Through what is being dubbed the "Weiner Clause," New York legislators are expected to exempt themselves from House Bill 3.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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