Written by Philip J. Moss
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Tuesday, 25 April 2017

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the creation of a panel of experts to advise the President on construction of his wall on the southern border of the U.S. "The President is very pleased to announce that the panel will include Publius Aelius Hadrianus Augustus," Mr. Spicer stated. "It'll be great," Hadrian said, "even better than the one I built."

The Roman emperor Hadrian built a wall in England ("Brittania"), starting in the year 122 AD to try and keep out the Picts. After Hadrian's death in 138, the new emperor, Antoninus Pius, essentially abandoned Hadrian's wall, and started construction on another wall called the Antonine Wall, but Antoninus was unable to conquer the northern tribes, so when Marcus Aurelius became emperor, he abandoned the Antonine Wall. After the Roman administration and its legions were gone, Hadrian's Wall fell into ruin and over the centuries the stone was reused in other local buildings.

The second member of the advisory panel announced by Mr. Spicer was Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of China. "A wall is a necessity," Qin told the press corp. "Every great emperor needs to build a wall." Little of the wall that Qin built between 220-206 BC remains today, and his wall is largely considered by historians to have been an expensive boondoggle.

After Qin spoke, a reporter asked Spicer if President Trump considered himself to be an emperor - the first American Emperor. Mr. Spicer declined to answer.

The third member of the advisory panel will be Mark MiDown, manager of the Super Great Wall of China Buffet in the town of Little Goat, Colorado. Mr. MiDown did not express any views at the press conference.

The final member of the advisory panel will be Christopher Boynton, age 9, of Truro, Massachusetts. "Chris has four years' experience building walls on beaches in Massachusetts," Mr. Spicer stated, "and he will chair the advisory panel." Unconfirmed reports have circulated that every wall built by young Mr. Boynton was washed away. The Huffington Post has reported that Boynton is the proposed recipient of a million dollar grant from the Trump administration to study the effects of tidal forces on sand walls.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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