THUG CITY, IL ---- Following what he described as a "thorough review" of his flight crew's use of police to drag Kentucky medical doctor David Tao off an "overbooked" flight to prevent him from tending to his patients the next morning (and to replace him with a company employee), United Airlines' CEO Oscar Mucus said "We won't involve the police anymore to remove a passenger who's paid for a seat aboard one of our airplanes."
The videotape of the passenger, which shows he suffered head trauma which left him bloody and, some witnesses claim, unconscious, set off a firestorm of protest and criticism that hurt United's bottom line, as the value of the company's stock plunged by $1 billion. The plummeting stock prices got through to even the cold-hearted, hardheaded CEO, who had initially condemned Tao as "an uncooperative ass."
Now that he has reviewed the incident (and the drop in United's stock value), Mucus says "what those idiots did to this American hero is indefensible." Mucus has tried to buy off the other passengers on the flight by offering them a payoff equal to the cost of their tickets, but there have been no takers.
"We will never again ask law enforcement officers to remove a passenger who is booked, paid, and seated," Mucus promised. "We can't afford a boycott."
After watching the video, China's President Jinping Pong IX, appalled at the airline's treatment of Tao, who is Chinese, said, "Mucus needs to fear more than a boycott; this is an international incident." The Chinese president threatened to forbid United from landing anywhere in China, the airlines' biggest overseas customer.
After meeting with top executives and members of the airline's board of directors, Mucus announced United's new policy. "Henceforth, we will not involve the police in deplaning a passenger. Instead, we will use the services of retired Navy SEAL team members supported by retired Army Green Berets and paratroopers. We value our nation's veterans as much as we do our passengers."
Most likely, a passenger selected for "re-accommodation" will be allowed to remain aboard the aircraft until after takeoff and then be "jettisoned" with a parachute, somewhere along the airplane's flight path.
"He will receive a full refund, sent by mail, for his trouble, if he survives," Mucus said.