Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Wednesday, 12 April 2017

image for Arkansas, in a Bid Get into the Guinness Book of World Records, to Execute 8 Men over 10 Days

Little Rock, AR--Besides being known for its high incidence of early death, infant mortality, cardiovascular disease, and obesity, Arkansas may soon break a new record, and possibly get into the 2018 Guinness Book of World Records in the attempt.

Gov. "Kickass" Hutchinson announced today that the "Natural State," as Arkansans call their state, is going to execute eight inmates over the next ten days, in spite of the controversy over the anesthetic used in their executions, Midazolam, which is supposed to knock out the death row inmate before he is given a paralytic followed by a drug to bring on cardiac arrest.

Said Gov. Hutchinson, "No, no! We're not executin' these inmates over ten days in order to avoid the controversy over Midazolam, which causes just a little coughing and gasping before the second drug, a paralytic, calms down the inmate. We're doing it to compete with Texas, which now holds the record for the most men killed in a short period of time, set in 1997 by George W. Bush, who executed eight men over eight weeks. We think we here in the Natural State can beat that record, with the help of the good men and women in our penitentiary system, God bless 'em!"

But Pro-Life Gov. Greg Abbott, of the Loon Star State, will have none of it, and is encouraging his State Attorney General, Ken Paxton, to speed up and deny the appeals of eleven death row inmates so that Texas won't lose out to Arkansas in the 2018 Guinness Book of World Records. Said Gov. Abbott, about the challenge from Gov. Kickass Hutchinson, "You don't mess with Texas, you cracker sonofabitch!"

In fact, if the legal routes by Attorney General Paxton don't pan out, Gov. Abbott is apparently thinking of sending in security guards from United Airlines to drag the eleven death row inmates to the execution chamber.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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