Written by Gee Pee
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Topics: TV, Internet, News, Media, Ratings

Sunday, 2 April 2017

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NBC's Jeff Sucker announces NSFW News

Rock-and-Roll Center, The Big Apple, Baby ---- Due to a variety of factors, including the Internet and a lack of public trust in the media, television news ratings have plummeted in recent years.

"I don't want non their fake news," couch potato Ima Junkie declared

In an attempt to arrest their ratings declines and the loss of revenue associated with decreased viewership, NBC has begun to feature Not Safe for Work (NSFW) News, segments that showcase nudity and sexually suggest content.

"If T&A is what it takes to sell air time," NBC president Jeff Sucker said, "T&A is what we'll be broadcasting."

The network got the idea for mixing skin with dubious news from Naked News, a broadcast in which female newscasters deliver fake news in the raw.

As examples of the NSFW News that it highlights, NBC cited a celebrity's posting of her nude boyfriend's photo on the Internet, a report concerning couple having sex (video included), a "nipple shirt," a video featuring a "broken penis," a male celebrity's "nip slip," an article about "hump day," pictures censored for no reason, a celebrity's bare buttocks, and a pearl necklace (porn aficionados will know what this phrase means, as will NSFW News watchers.)

Sucker said, "Let's be frank: NBC sucks. NSFW News is a way to increase ratings, which translate into more revenue, which translates into saving my ass."

"Don't tell anyone NSFW stuff has been available on the Internet for years. In fact, that's where we stole the idea. It'll be our little secret."

There's another benefit of producing NSFW News items, too, Sucker admitted. "With T&A front and center, we don't have to improve the actual content of our regular news programs. We can just go on making up fake news about Trump and everyone else, and no one's going to care, as long as they get their daily quota of tits and ass."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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