Written by mikewadestr
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Topics: Arizona, water

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

image for EPA Okays Water, Town Protests
I never would have come here had I know the residents were all kooks

The Environmental Protection Agency recently tested the quality of drinking water for the town of Sedona, Arizona. The water passed all tests with flying colors. Unfortunately this did not bode well for the town of 10,000 residents who immediately took to the streets in protest.

"This is a travesty" wailed Sedona mayor Eli Icantstandthis. "We at Sedona are sick and tired of being known as 'that nice little town everyone should visit', as well as having a bunch of ignorant tourists who just talk about living here in retirement. It just doesn't get you on the national news spotlight".

"We need adversary, we need decadence. That is what gets your town in all the online newsfeeds as well as a picture of my big fat mug. Just look at what foul water has done to Flint, Michigan. They are all celebrities, they have received federal grants to correct their water woes which they used to improve salaries of city administrators. They have owned the national newsfeeds as well as the Society of Cautiously Repugnant Anti-foul Precipitation (SCRAP). We only warrant the chance to be in their league".

Other residents agreed especially Larry Lanesworth who claimed: "The only adversary this town has ever known is when a half blind octogenarian runs a red light and guns down an unsuspecting pedestrian. When this happens the news of it only travels to as far as Utah. We are better than this".

Sally Sane put everything into perspective by mentioning: "Outside of a 'nice small town' we are only known for having a coffee shop in the scene of the movie the Flying Fandangos. In that movie a character walks into a local coffee shop orders a latte for $3.50, puts 3 and a half sugars in it, throws out the last half of the fourth sugar and then walks out the door. Everyone in this town has seen that movie at least a half dozen times. We want to expand on that".

To ease the tension the EPA had six other organizations test the water to the same result. The mayor was then confronted with the fact that the only person who was hospitalized with any contaminating substance was a man named Willie Weed. Weed had accidentally consumed a lemon seed while drinking homemade iced tea. He became frantic believing a lemon tree would start growing out of his stomach and drank a cup of weed killer to kill it. He spent three days in the hospital.

"OH MY GOD!" Screamed the mayor. "Quick everyone go immediately to the hospital and claim you've been water poisoned".

As of press time the mayor was seen trying to poison the town's water supply with gummy bears.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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