WASHINGTON D.C.- In a move that no one expected, a unprecedented move that is now reaching legendary status, President of the United States of America Donald Trump apologized. Thousands were invited to the speech, many of whom are people the President has insulted over the years. The subject of the speech was beforehand unannounced and unexpected. Many of those invited to witness the event declined to make an appearance, expecting to be further attacked.
Those who did show however were awestruck, as the President apologized for "being a inconsiderate money-grubber." Trump elaborated and apologized for events before his campaign, during his campaign, and after his election. Trump said he meant what he was saying, and failed to attack anyone while apologizing. The apologies were lengthy and exhaustive, taking approximately two and half hours.
Apologies extended into Trump's youth:
"I am so sorry for disrespecting my teachers when I was a kid... I'm sorry for not keeping my fellow cadets in line at the New York Military Academy. I'm sorry for looking at the world as being divided between 'killers' and 'losers...'"
As well as apologies extending into Trump's years as a celebrity:
"I regret practicing real estate discrimination. I'm sorry the art on the old building at the Trump Tower site wanted by that museum was destroyed by illegal immigrant Poles. I'm sorry for acting like that football team I owned was hot shit. That was so pompous. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. I'm sorry for cheating on my wife. That isn't fair... The Central Park Five were innocent... My book is actually terrible; I can't even read the whole thing. I'm sorry for trying to sue that guy for $5 billion for calling me a millionaire... Roy Cohn was a good lawyer, but it's not a good idea to run the country like he ran the McCarthy hearings..."
Trump eventually segwayed into apologizing for his behavior in recent years:
"Obama was an American citizen who didn't have an agenda to destroy America. Not every Hispanic that crosses the border is Mexican; many are from other Latin American countries actually... I'm sorry for mocking the disabled. I've expressed unfair views on women's worth in society. I've said inappropriate things about veterans. I've been ignorant about Muslims. I even made fun of a gold star family. Who does that, you know?... Putin isn't actually somebody to look up to... I'm sorry for defaming people as bad at their job just because they publicly argued against my opinion, which is actually perfectly legitimate to express. I'm sorry for ignoring the Constitution..."
Following his apologies, Trump made several promises:
"Instead of building walls, I will invest in making other countries safer to help make America safer. I will protect the environment that the American people rely on from companies dumping waste into our lands so they save a quick buck. I will discourage discrimination against unions. I will discourage discrimination against elderly workers! I will encourage my cabinet to work towards the missions of the agencies they were appointed to. I will challenge violations of human rights across the world & encourage regimes to see the profitabilities of the people being able to live without fear or pain or suffering, the benefits for us to be able to feel secure in our ways of life, and the benefits for us to all feel like human beings who live instead of animals who survive! I'll be busting monopolies and I'll tackle wage inequality so the average American can have a decent share of the profits they earn for the businesses they work for..."
Trump also mentioned working towards goals to rectify "criminal acts committed against Native Americans, African Americans, and other peoples who have been injured in the past by certain American policies."
Trump went on to summarize, "I don't have to be the only winner; there are ways we can all be winners. I now actually believe in making America great for everyone again; not just me. America is a land of opportunity, and all Americans deserve access to opportunities."
There were various times during the address where the President broke down, cried, and woefully repeated, "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." and "So sad. It's so sad."
Once Trump had concluded his speech, there was no applause and he walked of the stage in the midst of silence. White House staffers have shifted into disaster mode. The media is still unsure how to cover the speech. Republicans are outraged at Trump & are calling for his resignation. Sources on the left are claiming this is some kind of distraction orchestrated by Trump to distract from the issues at hand. Various loyal Trump supporters have even voiced criticism of the President's statements.
When asked to clarify his position, Trump responded to the Spoof by saying he's felt an epiphany, and reconsidered his life. He elaborated wants to live his remaining years as a good man, a man who is careful about how he affects others, and plans to do good things for America and humanity. Trump administration spokespersons are saying they are reviewing the situation and have said the president doesn't seem to be his usual self.
Senior Counselor to the President Steve Bannon issued a press release stating the President is suffering from illness due to being drugged by "left wing terrorists" and that a "hammer of justice will befall those whom try to impede the will of the President" and that the "situation is being monitored."
UPDATE: poles suggest Trump's approval ratings have plummeted to 4% since apologizing.