President Donald Trump has just issued an executive order to replace his entire Secret Service with Disney characters. He signed the order in Disneyland's Cinderella Castle today at 10:00 AM eastern time.
Trump made the executive order to cut down on security costs that have become colossal while traveling between the White House and his Florida estate Mar-a-lago to which he has been going to on a weekly basis. Not only will he be going to Mar-a-lago on a weekly basis but, also, to Disneyland and local 7-11 convenience store.
Addressing the press President Trump imparted the following:
"I think this is the right thing to do in order to lower the security costs from my travels to unusual destinations. Whenever I travel the entire Secret Service has to go with me and that ends up being rather expensive. Replacing the Secret Service with Disney characters should save a lot of money because they all work for minimum wage and you don't need such a large detail of them because of how efficient they are".
"I mean who is more American than Mickey Mouse? Who is more patriotic than Snow White? Who is more charismatic than Goofy?"
"These are true Americans who are the embodiment of the American spirit".
"This new detail will derail any assassination attempt by using humorous miming which will cause the assailant to break down into uncontrollable laughter. The other good thing about them is they cannot be permanently injured once they are in cartoon mode. Sure you can shoot a bullet into one of them or drop a 10,000 weight on another but in a matter of seconds they will transform back to their normal selves".
"I'll be putting Goofy in charge of running the Secret Service as his aptitude and clairvoyance will allow them to be better prepared for any future assassination attempts. And regardless of what happens Goofy will ensure every single Disney agent will stay in character at all times".
"This move will, also, ensure that the Secret Service is the most diverse government organization as we will have characters from all walks of life with every specie being represented".
As of press time Mickey Mouse was seen in cartoon mode attacking a broom with an axe.