We've all seen the videos. The press conference. When America's newest sweetheart, Kellyanne Conway's pants suddenly, and shockingly, burst into flames during a discussion about "facts".
The most popular of these youtube videos is titled "why-are, why-are, Pants on Fire!!!" (Changed from it's original title "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire", due to Donald Trumps executive order that only he be allowed to use the word "liar". (See related article "127 words that only Donald Trump can now say.")
In the video, Conway was discussing a new version of "truth", that her personal team of scientists and linguists were working on, and that she was very excited about.
Then, moments later her pants suddenly burst into flames causing a scene of havoc.
The press corps has a known aversion to being on fire ever since Stephen Bannon liquified CNN with napalm he emitted from his mouth, along with a sea of blackened bees. (See related article "Hey Guess What! Stephen Bannon has an internal oral delivery system where he generates napalm that's carried via inter dimensional bees.. Isn't that FUN?").
In the ensuing fracas, Kellyanne Conway was seen trying to frantically put her pants out, but to no avail. She suffered severe burns to 99.9997% of her face and body, and was kept alive only through skin grafts provided by Mitch McConnell's latest hatchling.
A lot of Republicans took time out of their busy schedule of reading passages from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, to condemn the lack of help by anyone at the conference, and their audacity to apparently dance and sing as Conway flailed about in the background screaming in agony.
Said a spokesperson for the GOP, (and the …um…"parent" ?.. of the aforementioned skin graft donating hatchling) , Senator Mitch "and the Hare" McConnell:
"Of course we always love seeing people in agony. It feeds our souls and is the only thing that can quench our hunger, But SHE"S one of us.... This is an outrage."
The Senator then got so worked up, that he pulled a large egg out of his neck (A signature McConnell move) which quickly became another hatchling of a smaller, newer Mitch McConnell, as per usual. The new hatchling had no further comment to add. (see related article: Why I No Longer Eat Eggs, by Steven Rouach)
Reporters at the conference did, in fact, all have bottles of water, given to them upon entry, which could have been used to avert this disaster, but many of them claimed:
"Uh..well..I didn't open it yet,…and uh… I really hate to break the seal, because then it gets all over your stuff and I really was trying to save it.",
while others were quoted as saying:
" Some of us..well..you know we suffer from uh..dehydration and a bunch of us are interviewing Bill Cosby later…so we kinda need to bring our own liquids, so we don't wake up naked, with him doing weird stuff to our feet. Otherwise we would have totally tried to help… really…, no really.., it was just bad timing on her part".
Now, in dual acts of heroism and benevolent self-sacrifice, both Willem Defoe and Denis Leary have decided to donate their own faces to Kellyanne, for French plastic surgeons to transplant.
In a joint statement, delivered by a white owl, they said: "We've been blessed in so many ways, we both feel we always need to give something back. We hope Kellyanne enjoys our former faces, and we will always look to lift the lives of others in the years ahead. Signed Defoe & Leary"
Willem Defoe, has been well known to donate much of his time and efforts to various charities, And Denis Leary, besides altruism, has patiently explained what assholes are via song, an act that has benefitted many.
How their no longer having faces will effect their respective careers going forward is unknown, though both have assured me, (via an email, delivered by a white owl, with a MacBook tied to it's foot), that "CGI will take care of any production problems involving our faces. Thanks for your concern and please enjoy the owl and MacBook, Love always , Willem & Denis"
As I type this with my new MacBook, in front of my new owl, I can't help but thank these amazing men and think of them as the gift that keeps on giving.
Reported by Steven W. Rouach