Written by Steven W. Rouach
Rating:
Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 16 February 2017

There had been much debate about Donald Trump's completely unsubstantiated claims that three million illegal votes were cast in the 2016 election.

This claim was brought up by the press corps (no pun intended) ad nauseum, as well as their questioning of Trump's many other claims such as:

*Being the world's tallest man.

*Inventing the shoelace.

*Can easily outbox Floyd Mayweather.

*Not being orange or insane.

*Having the ability to read minds.

*That the current murder rate in America is 135% and all Americans were already murdered approximately 1 & 1/3 times.

*That unemployment in America was at 97% when he took office, and is now .0000007%.

*He's always paid his contractors, and all copies of his tax returns were stolen by a bunny wearing a top hat.

*He also invented the shoe, drastically changing the lives of everyone in the Flintstones.

*His hands are so huge we're all just figments of their imagination.

*He's only 35 years old.

*He's never tasted Vladimir Putin's semen.

*Obama is not of, or from this earth, but instead is a strange visitor from another planet who has fantastic and uncanny superpowers, and is an illegal immigrant from Krypton.

*The media has never reported on, nor ever mentioned 9/11, as of yet.

*After 9/11 New Jersey threw a huge keg party and paid to have the original line up of Van Halen perform. (Including Michael Anthony)

*That Kellyanne Conway's inauguration dress wasn't designed by Freddie Kreuger of "Freddie Kreuger's Main Street Fashions" after Mr. Kreuger had a nightmare in which there were living wooden soldiers, but all with his own head, and thought of Kellyanne's ensemble.

*That Stephen Bannon did not play Mia Farrow's baby in "Rosemary's Baby".

*The border wall will only cost 175 dollars, and will keep out ALL immigrants, and not just the ones who are afraid of heights or confined to wheelchairs.

*Ivanka Trump's line of scarves do not suddenly burst into flames immolating the wearer.

*The judge in charge of his Trump University Lawsuit was biased due to his having graduated from Trump University, with a degree in Law & Advanced Fish-Scaling Techniques.

*He doesn't mock the disabled, even as he mocks the disabled.

*Billy Bush's laugh is not effeminate.

*He doesn't keep Melania in a cage.

*Hillary and the Obama administration traded the entire economy of the US to Iran, in exchange for a bag of magic beans that never grew into giant beanstalks.

*Flynn's discussion with the Russians mostly concerned recipes for borscht.

So you can see why Mr. Trump's claims of voter fraud, were initially taken with the same amount of gravitas, belief and discretion, as whenever my elderly aunt claimed the Mafia is poisoning her food.

The evidence just did not exist in this or any other universe.

However, due to recent reports of un-dead "Walkers", voting illegally due to their demise, it may be time to re-examine Trump's voter fraud claims.

My reporter's instinct, coupled with the hard nosed, investigative journalistic integrity, that has made me be commonly referred to as: "The Edward R. Murrow of this generation", led me to investigate.

I spoke with an expert in the un-dead, Sheriff Rick Grimes.
Grimes said;
"We've been seeing Walkers, by the tens of thousands, shambling over to voting booths and voting en mass. There are times when we'll see a sea of them, all rotting, walking corpses, and all wearing 'I'm with her' campaign buttons."

He went on to say:

"Even though Trump personally murdered an Asian friend of mine that I was very close to, and another friend who was a veteran, by mercilessly beating their heads in with a baseball bat, I do feel compelled to tell the truth about the undead casting votes, as lying conflicts with my heroism."

Recently Trump asked Vice President Mike "Butch" Pence to head up an investigation into voter fraud. I spoke with one of the investigators on his panel, Robert "Jed" Slattery.

I asked Mr Slattery:, "What can you tell me about Pence's
investigation into allegations the Walking Dead has cast over 3 million illegal votes?"

Said Mr. Slattery:
"Mike Pence definitely does not kill male escorts in his dungeon basement, and has not buried 100's of them on his property. He has a fear of canines, which is why he enacted a law keeping corpse-sniffing dogs at least 2500 feet away from his property. Also theoretically, if these allegations were true, Mr Pence would have dismembered the fictional corpses by cutting them up into five or more pieces, to prevent them from rising from the grave and casting illegal votes, just as a common courtesy."

My investigation then led me to review various security cameras from voting locations used in the 2016 election. Sure enough there were literally hundreds of Walkers lining up to vote Hillary.

Speaking to another un-dead expert, a Mr. Daryl Dixon, I asked why, in his opinion, so many of the undead have risen to vote Democrat.

He responded:

"Well, the way we see it, PEOPLE are the undead's main food source. The undead naturally assumed Mr Trump's insanity, coupled with his administration's well known hate of clean air and water, and their reckless and haphazard aggressive foreign policies, would lead to the death of all carbon based life forms."

He went on to say:

"So if the Walkers' food source is people, and if all living people are dead, as we obviously all soon will be, they'll have no source of nourishment and eventually decompose. It was in their best interests to vote Hillary as far as their continued survival as an undead race."

So having thoroughly confirmed Trump's claims of voter fraud, due to tireless and diligent investigation, this reporter now asks the Trump administration to please release me from my cell, and to please tell Mr. Pence that I don't taste "delicious".

Reported by imprisoned martyr, Steven W. Rouach

c2017 SWRouach

Make Steven W. Rouach's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 5 multiplied by 3?

9 15 4 25
51 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more