Written by Chris Dahl
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Thursday, 9 February 2017

image for Trump Signs Yet Another Executive Order Banning Poverty

POTUS Donald J. Trump has worked quickly and furiously with his new presidential pen like a kid with new sneakers who swears he can jump higher and run faster. So far he has done everything he can to prove he is faster and jumps higher by issuing approximately one executive order per day, weakening health care, re-arranging federal hiring laws, abortions, international trade agreements, oil pipelines and, of course, the infamous and controversial order concerning the "extreme vetting" of refugees from "terrorist countries."

The 45th president made another bold stroke with his pen today by signing an order that could put the "Muslim ban" order on the back burner for a while. Donald J. Trump has just made it against US law to be poor. The order, penned by Trump himself in his own unique parlance, states that "being poor these days is just too friggen expensive. I mean big time, you know? Am I right? But I don't mean for them. I mean for guys like me." Later the order expands on Trump's intent by saying that "it isn't expensive for the poor - they don't have any money, so it can't be expensive for them, am I right? I mean really, if you don't have any money, how can something be expensive for you, you know? I mean, something can only be expensive for you if you have to pay for it. And since only people with money pay for stuff, like we pay for poor people, it's only expensive for us, so no more. I'm done with poverty, no more. That's it. It's gone. Bye, bye."

Speaking on behalf of the president, Sean Spicer attempted to clarify the essence of the order. "It would be an alternative interpretation to say that the president has simply abolished poverty by signing a piece of paper. It's not that simple." When confronted with the facts that the POTUS had said exactly that, Spicer rebuked: "The order is not an abolition of poverty and the people of that economic class. Unfortunately, we cannot simply sign away impoverished people, in spite all they cost decent, hard-working citizens such as us. It is merely a temporary ban on people being poor while an extreme vetting process occurs to decide who is and who is not poor by a strict definition."

Mother Theresa of Calcutta, who was deified for her decades of selfless work with the poor in the more dire circumstances, was quite ironically relieved. "Thank God," the Saint said. "It's an all-day thing with these poor. You get into thinking, 'Yeah, I'll do some good, whatever.' Then, suddenly, a leper loses his arm and you're like, 'What should I do? Sew it back on?' A guy comes up with his family and says, 'My family hasn't eaten in two days.' I say, 'I've been on my feet since 8 this morning. Cut me some slack, will you? Oy vey.' So, for me, I know it sounds horrible, but I'm glad it's over. I'll go, work a little retail job, and enjoy my golden years."

"Trump said he was all about creating jobs, blah, blah, blah," Saint Vincent de Paul, patron saint of the poor and the destitute. "Now he goes and bans being poor. I get, okay. On one hand yeah, it sucks being poor, so get rid of it, but hey, I'm out of a job here. What does my resume look like - he served soup to the poor at Christmas time. I hope he doesn't get rid of welfare yet. I'm gonna need it."

When asked to explain exactly how one order can simply eliminate an economic social class, Mike Pence articulated that it "wasn't as simple as that." The VPOTUS went on to explain: "It's like when I was growing up on the farm. Sometimes a group of chickens got sick, so we had to quarantine them and let Nature take its course."

Pressed to explain exactly whether he meant the poor we're being quarantined so they could die off by "Nature" as he suggested, Pence was vague. "The executive order puts the mechanism in place to fix the glitch that is the problem of poverty. It's Nature. You can look it up. It's for the best. I remember crying when all those little chickens died on my daddy's farm, but then there were only healthy chickens left. And the farm was healthier. Now imagine and America where there were no poor people. Wouldn't that be better for us all? We would all have money then and no one would have to pay for the poor anymore. Think of all the money you'll save, and remember, we just fixed the glitch."

In closing, Kellyanne Conway commented that if "anyone in this country wants the affluence, the riches and the power of the President of the United States, then follow his lead. Borrow some money, get a loan, anything that has to be done. Go out there and make your fortune. After all, no one handed anything to Donald J. Trump."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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