Washington, DC - Over the past few nights President Donald Trump has been waking up frustrated by all the leaks in the White House. Sources close to Trump report that Trump himself has called in the plumber to fix the leaks but he believes the plumber is purposely causing more leaks.
Trump called in a replacement plumber who also seemed to cause more leaks.
Finally, alone, without Melania Trump at his new home, Trump was spotted by secret service trying to repair his own leaks.
At one point Trump reportedly grew more frustrated, threw a wrench across the Lincoln bedroom, and found his head in a toilet. He said he was searching for three lost Propecia pills which, Trump reported, also helps with his "E.D."
Sources close to the White House and who know the inner workings of the building all deny that there are any leaks. They state that Trump may be making it all up.
Nonetheless Trump tweeted, "I will fire the first person I spot who is responsible for a leak at the White House. I don't care if you are the 'so called' President. You will be fired."
Despite the threat, the leaks are expected to continue. "It's an old house but it understands good karma and bad karma. Leaks are only natural in times of bad karma."
To report a leak, contact firstname.lastname@example.org.