It is the yearly event that shines the spotlight on small town America and all its homely, simplistic, racist ways. Today is Groundhog Day, a yearly festival where a furry mammal gives a random prediction on the future, like a rodent Nostradamus.
The groundhog - an American animal of the squirrel family - goes by the name of Pussygrabby Phil. This year, he was given a selection of scenarios for the future of the US and the world to choose from, each represented by a different corn husk he could eat. Being the hog he is, he scampered immediately towards the one that predicted four years of insanity for the US, and began humping it.
American groundhog analysts are struggling to understand what the prediction could mean, but believe it could be related to their annoying new orange president and his pet ferret Steve Bannon.
Trump heard the news about Pussygrabby Phil and believed that it must mean four more years of insane good fortune. He ranted, "America has become so great in the last week since I became president, I can't believe it. I could retire now. But I won't stop until I have brought my amazing talent to every great corner of this land. Now if that's insanity then I must be mad."