Newly inaugurated United States President Donald Trump recently dismissed a series of articles published The Onion on the subject of Trump, his election, and the state of his genitals as "fake news, crafted by a bunch of nasty, mean-spirited bullies."
"Totally fake," reiterated Trump, blasting the Onion stories on his alleged immaturity, narcissism, deep-seated personal insecurities, and inability to sexually satisfy his sexually vibrant 46-year-old wife, Melania. "And not even funny."
Moments after dismissing the stories, however, Trump backtracked a bit, granting, "Well, okay, it is true that Melania's libido is a little over the top. But I am more than up to the task. Just like I'm up to the task of leading this great nation."
Trump took particular issue with a 2012 Onion story that referred to Trump's "aged, shriveled penis."
"My Johnson looks damn good!" asserted a defensive Trump. "Just ask any of those women whose pussies I grabbed. They'll tell you."
The U.S. president concluded with an overarching condemnation of not just The Onion but of the media in general, whose extensive, incessant, and unremitting coverage of Trump, many political analysts agree, was in large part responsible for Trump's eventual electoral victory.
"Fake news breaks hearts," declared Trump, going on to urge, "Female journalists everywhere, stop faking it! Believe me - with me, you won't have to."