Washington, DC…America's newly inaugurated leader has not forgotten his minions. President Donald Trump is giving a paint by number portrait of himself to every American household, to commemorate the activation of his administration.
"This gift is my way of recognizing every Citizen who helped me reach the White House," Trump said. "And it's a warning shot to those who tried to keep me out."
Pointing to the educational value of his gift, Trump explained that it combines the use of mathematical skills with the application of artistic capabilities.
"Plus, it's historical. I'm signing an Executive Order which mandates that that a completed portrait be displayed in a prominent position in every American household. It will serve as a silent but prominent reminder of who's in charge of this wonderful country of ours," the new president said.
Further along those lines, the paint by number kit provides a unique security feature. Its color key is not included. Instead, users must register with the CIA to get their copy of the chromatic chart.
"We can't be too careful out there, ladies and gentlemen," Trump said. "For instance, we wouldn't want North Korea to corner the market in burnt sienna, would we? No we wouldn't."
In fact, delivery of all the kits within the next few weeks is in jeopardy. There appears to be a shortage of orange colorant on the world pigment market.
"I'm personally taking charge of this crisis," Trump said. "I'll use my art of the deal talents to ensure the consistency of the state of our art.
"Great nations have great aesthetic vision. Do you like that word, aesthetic? It means artsy fartsy. It also means that I'm going to make sure that everyone stays within the lines, no matter what colors they choose."