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Sunday, 22 January 2017

image for Trump claims to have the biggest hands in the world
Trump demonstrates how large his hands are, using his hands

In another bizarre rant at a press conference, the new US president has claimed that he has larger hands than anyone else in the world. He has asked the Guinness World Record organisation to verify them with an official measurement so that he can enter the record books.

The press conference was meant to give the new president a chance to clarify his foreign policy, but that subject was never mentioned. Instead, Trump began his speech by saying, "Look at my hands, they're huge. The biggest. Bigger than Hillary's. Hers are sad."

During the forty minutes in which he spoke, he compared his hand size to a catcher's mitt, a gorilla's hands, a suitcase, his gloves, and a giant's hands. He also repeatedly accused the media of deliberately editing photographs of his hands to make them look smaller.

He raged, "Those fake television companies always photograph me from an insulting angle. They're lying and they photoshop their television images to make me look like my hands are not the biggest. They should be ashamed. I'll get them. I'll wring their necks."

The Guinness World Record organisation have examined TV footage of Mr Trump and decided not to proceed with a personal measurement. A spokesman said that it was quite clear that Trump suffered from some form of body dysmorphia which caused him to misunderstand his own hand size.

He added that although Trump would not be receiving a "biggest hands" world record, there were plenty of other world records he might be eligible for, such as "most unstable US president", "most contradictions per speech", or "most sociopathic world leader".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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