Written by King David
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Topics: Mars, Farmers

Tuesday, 12 December 2006

image for Concern Over E. Coli Outbreaks Sparks Creative Thinking - Terra Farming Plan For Mars Revealed
Supporters believe farming on mars is a viable and worthwhile venture

Scientists for the FDA (Food is a Drug Administration) concerned about recent outbreaks of E. Coli this fall and winter in the United States, suggested today that Mars might be the answer for an alternative food source.

The US government unveiled it's $2 trillion plan for terra production on the red planet's surface. Scientists say that the process would begin by exploding the polar ice caps with nuclear explosions which would, in turn, cause Co2 to be released. The oxygen would become trapped by the heavy atmosphere surrounding the planet which would, in turn, create a greenhouse effect and warm the planet enough to blast it with seeds of a terra forming algae.

The ingenious plan was actually first developed by Monsanto, an American corporation, but due to sensitivities of the American public the giant food and seed producer wanted to remain anonymous.

"We have no problem with the possibility of farming Mars," said FDA food scientist, David Achenbaum. "We feel that it is a doable plan. Our concerns are more with the timing of the harvest than anything else."

The scientist was referring to the fact that the distance between Mars and the Earth can vary up to 35 million miles depending on where the two planets are in their oblong orbits around the sun.

"At the very least, we have a 35 million mile trip to complete. At the most, the number doubles to 63 million miles. That's a 2 to 1 ratio," said food scientist Achenbaum.

"But those kinds of miles are nothing compared to what the average truck driver drives in the United States," he continued. "It isn't going to matter where the planets are in their orbits. Vegetables harvested on Mars and shipped back to the states will seem fresh compared to what Americans are now getting in their super markets, even at their farthest distance."

Proponents of the plan say that the government was going to have to make a move like this anyway. "Americans are consuming food at an incredible rate," says Achenbaum. They also pointed to Mars' chillier temperatures, which will help the food to keep for longer periods of time and stay fresh.

"The temperatures of the red planet are like a built in freezer," said David Westinghouse spokesperson for The Department of Government Refrigeration (DOGR). "We're just going to have to be careful with reentry."

But critics say that nothing will be able to stop the vegetables from burning up during this phase. "It is going to turn your space shuttle cargo ships into microwave ovens and your corn cargo to popcorn," says Orville Redplanet Stopper.

But proponents remained positive and felt like a solution could be worked out. Even if the veggies cooked a little during reentry, by the time the space shuttle reached the ground they would be nice and simmering and able to provide everyone who was ready with a good, home-cooked meal.

"We'll just have to schedule the flights to come in around dinner so that everyone is hungry," said general Lyman Howitzer of NOMAD space command.

Proponents of the plan also said that combining space tourism with farming enterprises and securing China's interest in the project might be a good way to offset high start up costs of the magnificent venture.

"You already have name recognition with the Chinese (Red Planet), that, and the fact that they have a lot of mouths to feed," Achenbaum commented.

NASA spokesmen said that they would have a comment as soon as they took away joysticks and pulled their young, aerospace engineers off flight simulators and out of the zero gravity chambers.

"Since we've upgraded our models, we can't keep 'em off of those things," said NASA supervisor Stan Michaels.

In other news today, George Bush thinks he's a Martian. Sends Condozza Rice to Mars to investigate.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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