Written by Chris Dahl
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Tuesday, 17 January 2017

image for Donald J. "The Donald" Trump Makes the Preamble to the Constitution Great Again

Read the Constitution? Why not write -or re-write- the Constitution? That's Donald J. Trump's new obsession: "fixing" the Constitution he believes is somehow broken.

Trump's fascination with the document that has been the basis for American politics since the 1790's when "The Donald" was confronted by Khizr Khan, a Muslim-American lawyer and father of a U.S. soldier killed in Iraq The enraged father waved a copy of the Constitution in the air and challenged the then-presidential hopeful: "Have you even read the United States Constitution? I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words 'liberty' and 'equal protection of the law.'"

"Mr. Khan, who has never met me," Trump retorted with his normal aplomb, "has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution, which is false." With his normal enthusiasm and fervor, the potential POTUS decided to go beyond reading, or re-reading, the document. Instead, he decided to update it, making it more relevant to him, his vision and the renewed, "great" country to come.

A draft of his revised Preamble was released to the press early Monday morning:

I, Donald J. Trump, in order to fix this friggen' Union, establish Justice and fix this friggen' constitution ('cuz it's so old for Christ's sake. It just doesn't make sense anymore.) ('cuz this country is out of control. I mean just look at Chicago. I don't see why we all can't carry guns. I mean, if a driver's license is good enough for every state, why isn't a gun permit? That would establish justice, swift and speedy justice at that, you know? Boom, boom, case over and done, but no, these Liberals wouldn't have that), insure not-domestic but my own friggen' Tranquility (cuz these liberals are driving me nuts!), provide for the un-common defense (Donald J. Trump don't do anything common, no, no. Look at my towers, look at my women, and look at my golf courses. Do they look common? Hell no. If I'm gonna do anything, it's gonna be great, huge! And de-fense, how about de-wall. That's what we're gonna see, de-wall not de-fence.), promote the general Welfare, (This gets cut right out. It's stupid. I have nothing against a brave genral who served his country, as long as he's not a loser who got captured like that loser John McCain. And the other thing, this Welfare gravy train is gonna end really soon, and when I'm in office I won't be handing out welfare checks to all these free-loaders, so,yeah, that comes out -- The whole thing) and secure the Blessings of Liberty ( we need to change this one. 'Blessings' sounds too soft, like I'm on my knees, begging for something. That's not how you win a deal, no, no. Change it to Security, or 'back-bone' something like that. It's more manly and definitely not un-manly, you know?) for ourselves and our Posterity (this comes out, too. Posterity has nothing to do with anything. I mean, I have great posterity, some of the best posture in this country, look at how those shoulders are thrown back, and my back is straight. I learned that good posterity in military school while everyone else was off ruining their posterity by bending over to duck bullets and twisting themselves up in fox-holes. My chiropractor always says I have good posterity, but I don't see why that has to be in the constitution, so it's fired, out, done) , do re-ordain and re-establish this Constitution for the sake of making the United States of America great again.


"We can't have new thinking and old ideas," Trump explained in a tele-conference with reporters after the initial wave of shock had worn off. He was also asked what authority he had to simply re-write one of the great documents of history, and why he felt the need to do it. "I can't do what I gotta do if I have this thing holding me back all the time," Trump responded. "See? How can I do all the stuff I said I was gonna do if my hands are tied? I mean that's what happened in Vietnam. They sent all these soldiers in and then gave them rules - their hands were tied, so America walks out there with a tie, at best. Some people say we lost that war. See the Geneva Convention - that's gonna be very different as soon as I take office. You watch on my first day, bingo-bongo, it's gonna be gone-o. What kind of civilized people actually fight a war with rules, am I right? I mean, really. That's stupid."

When asked if he thought that changing a document so crucial to political beliefs that underpin the very fabric of traditional American society, Trump responded bluntly. "Things change. What are you gonna do? Am I right? I mean, things change, you know? Even The Bible changed, you know? They had the Old Testament, which worked for a while, and then all of a sudden they look around they're like, 'Hey, we need something new', so they take the Old Testament and they're like, 'Let's write a new one' - boom, the New Testament, which I think is one of the better sequels ever written. You know, by the way, it's not easy to follow up a blockbuster like The Bible. Every once in a while you get lucky with a Godfather 2, or Rocky 2, but not very often, right? Yeah, but they really nailed it with that New Testament. I have my writers working on the sequel to the Constitution right now. I like to be involved, so I got the ball rolling with the Preamble, and then I brought in the writers, my boys from The Apprentice. They really know how to punch up some dialogue, so I think you'll be happier with the sequel than this old moth-eaten thing."

When asked for a time frame, the former reality- TV star said his "boys" were on it and that they "work quickly." Trump assured that the actual document will be prepared by the inauguration date, but that he was holding off for a 4th of July extravaganza release party which "should be huge," and is expected to include fireworks, a traditional barbecue and "dear friend and great American icon and defender of freedom, Sylvester Stallone." Until then, all we Americans can do is wait and see what this new, renovated document will hold for our country.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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