Written by SpyDude
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Topics: Donald Trump, hands

Friday, 13 January 2017

image for "My Hands Are Bigly!" : The Emperor's New Hands
An early prototype of Donald's new hands

Donald Trump may never have to be ridiculed about his hands again.

Students at the University of Arizona's Robotics Division, appalled at the sheer amount of verbal and written abuse toward Donald's deformity, decided to do something about it. During Trump's visit to Arizona while on the campaign tour, he took a break from rallies long enough for students to make molds of his hands. Several pairs of the molds, which resembled the hands of a pre-teen girl, were passed around campus for study along with digitized 3-D renderings. (The "small hands syndrome," as many people were referring to it, is the result of a congenital birth defect that causes retardation of growth in the extremities.)

It was time to get to work. Using state-of-the-art technology combined with recent innovations in the field of cybernetics, the students created a pair of life-sized gloves for the real estate mogul. The gloves, made from titanium and covered with a special polymer that mimics human skin, added several inches in length and width so that Donald's hands would appear normal in size. Tiny microprocessors and touch sensitive pads inside the gloves transmit tactile information to the sensory receptors in his real hands, allowing Donald to pick up a soda can, teacup, or even an egg without fear of accidentally squeezing too hard.

Donald was very excited about the gloves. "Look at these!" he enthused, holding his new prosthetics aloft. "My hands are bigly, bigly, bigly!" He proudly showed how he could easily handle a cup of coffee with one gloved hand, when before he needed both hands to pick it up.

"The poor man has been ridiculed for months about his disability," said Tina Owens, an engineering major. "We felt that everyone should be able to live a normal life."

Donald agreed wholeheartedly with her statement. "Do you guys have any IDEA of how many people were laughing at me while I was campaigning? Over something that I couldn't control? This has been something I've had to live with, something personally embarrassing to me, and all I heard was people making jokes about my 'baby hands.' But now ... look at them. Look at ME! I feel much more confident now than I've ever been. This is the kind of stuff that's going to make America great again."

Rumor has it that Donald was so impressed with the gloves that he ordered a second set, this time without the polymer skin, a la Arnold Schwarzenegger in the "Terminator" movies.

In a related article, students at Wyoming State University are currently hard at work tackling the problem of The Donald's unusual skin pigmentation. Many theories are being tossed around, but one of the more prevalent suggests the high concentration of preservatives in Cheetos, Donald's favorite snack, may be responsible.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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