Written by Ferris Bueller
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Thursday, 12 January 2017

After enduring 4 snow days in a row Greg Smith realized he had nothing left to say to his kids. After exhausting conversations around snowmen, santa, legos, elf on a shelf and chicken nuggets Greg resigned himself to the fact that his kids really have nothing to offer in conversation. "I attempted to engage them in intellectual dialogue, however I cannot continue feigning interest in the minutiae of my children's lives". Greg stated "I don't really understand…. I've provided my children with ipads and netflix and they continue to want to talk to me. Luckily wearing my Bose noise cancelling headphones has given them a clue that I'm done"

Greg put an ad on Craig's list asking for strangers to talk with his kids, however he reports there has been very little interest in strangers who just want to talk to his kids. "I met some really interesting people on Craig's list and we are now crowd sourcing a service that helps adults meet children in a Tinder sort of manner". Greg's son added "I've met some neat friends and I they actually are more interested in me then my father".

National research has shown that talking to kids while increasing their brain development actually stunts parents' brains. The research also proves definitively that smoking cannabis is actually more stimulating than talking to your children over an extended period of time. Teachers, parents, youth probation officers and youth pastors all agree that substance abuse is a suitable substitute to intellectual stimulus then engaging with children in conversation.

"If there is another snow day I'm going to have to start smoking crack" Greg concluded.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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