Written by Michael Balton
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Topics: Politics, Pope, McDonalds

Friday, 6 January 2017

image for McDonald's opens in St. Peter's Square: Want Friars with That?
God invented medium rare.

Vatican City - - Don't give me that old time religion. Fast food leader McDonald's is incorporating nutrition with salvation, locating its next new restaurant in the spiritual heart of the Catholic Church.

The St. Peter's Square site was home last week to a groundbreaking press conference, designed to explain how the new franchise will be the first of many that streamlines the religious experience for busy Catholics.

"On behalf of our sinners and saints, I would like to welcome Ronald McDonald, the Hamburgler and all the other characters that support the world's favorite fast food," said Friar Giuseppe le Mensa, President of the Miracle Factory, a Vatican joint venture.

"Now let us pray. Oh Heavenly Father, thank you for these gifts of deliverance. But not for delivery. We leave that to Uber, the patron saint of traffic jams.

"Instead we focus on perfecting our humble offerings for you and five million others served every day. Give us this day our daily all beef patties, sacred sauce, lettuce, onions, and pickles on a sesame seed bun. Amen.

That classic recipe will be presented in an innovative setting. Le Mensa plans to test using the restaurant as a church.

"The Ceremony would be over before you can say 'I'm loving it.' "

Fast food meet rapid religion. "You get breakfast. A sermon. And the Christ cookie. In under 15 minutes. We call it McMass. "

Another Innovation from the friar(And the fryer) is the Holy Meal. It bundles a fillet of fish sandwich, small fries and a small Coke together with a set of single use rosary beads and a prayer card.

What does the pope think? "All this construction around here makes it tough to find a spot for the pope Mobile," Frances said. "I'm thinking of selling it to the Burger King or to Donald Trump."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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