Lucifer, Satan, The Devil, The Deceiver, The Prince of Darkness, Azazel, Beelzebub or even Dick Cheney - whatever you choose to call him, the leader of the Legions of Darkness has come here to say one simple thing: "Please, call me Lu. Everyone calls me Lu." At least, that's what the Demon himself wants you to think of him as, a kinder, gentle spiritual force - not the stuff of the Book of Revelation - which, according to him, has "totally ruined his public persona."
As the Biblical End Times approach on January 20th, and Jesus has assembled his metaphysical Dream Team to handle this potentially messy situation, Lucifer, a long-time associate of Jesus and, even more so, His Father, God, was called out of his cushy job of causing mayhem in the Middle East to help the Prince of Peace navigate the tricky waters which would be the end of human history, the resurrection of the dead, the Judgement and the Rapture all at once, so it seems.
Is he happy about it?
"Can we speak honestly here?" Lu began, while dangling his martini in his right hand. "Not very much. I mean one day you're having lunch with Cheney, helping out with this ISIS thing, maybe hitting the golf courses in Dubai, martinis with Putin, you know, a little lunch with Trump, and the next you're back on the this world-wide eschatology kick. Don't get me wrong, I miss the boys. The Apostles can put away that red wine with the best of them, and Jesus can cut loose pretty good too, but I 'm just saying, I had it easy."
So he's not happy about this new position?
"Like Trump might say, 'I'm not un-happy about it.' But I've been doing this along time, man. I mean Jesus gets the credit for the intervention on earth thing, the whole take-on-the-sins-of-humanity thing, but I was doing this way before Jesus, like thousands of years."
How is that?
"Hey, I was Jesus before Jesus, man. The Old Man, His Father, created me first, and I was the perfect one. It's fact. You can look it up. Everything the Old man did in those days was perfect. He couldn't go wrong. Adam, Eve, the Garden of Eden - find someone else who can do that in six days. But it was too perfect. Nothing was moving. The product was dying on the shelf and we weren't expanding. So, The Old Man had to send me down to mess it up a little bit, make things a little less perfect. That's when we created Evil."
Wait, God and you [Lucifer] created Evil?
"Yeah, the Old Man in those Genesis days was on point all the time. I mean He's slacked a bit and He put way too much responsibility on His kid, but back then He was slick. He knew He needed something to stir the pot or we'd never expand, so He says, 'Go down there into the Garden, act like a snake and get Eve to tempt Adam.' I told him, 'No sweat.' I mean, you should've seen Eve in those days - clothing optional, you get my meaning? She was a looker, right up there with Bathsheba and Salome. Anyway, Adam crumbled, ate the apple and then God comes down on them with that Burning-Bush kind of voice He had back then and said, 'Everyone out.' Then it was fair game. We took over the Fertile Crescent, Egypt and eventually Europe … hey, you know history … everything fell in line. That's why I say I was Jesus before Jesus, because I was in the world before him, but I had to do the dirty work, you know? So he gets all the glory and the pictures on every Irishman's bedroom wall and I get a bunch of kids on Halloween running around with red masks on holding pitchforks. What are you gonna do? It's a living. The only thing is that this whole Evil thing kinda took on a life of its own and got a little out of hand."
So God, being all powerful, can't stop this Evil? And God, being all-seeing, didn't see this coming?
"Hey, He's all-seeing but you can't see everything at once, right? You see some lady in the mall with a pack of three, four kids and she's yelling and smacking every one of them, right? She can't keep her eye on all of them at once. I mean, God can see everything, but He doesn't have eyes in the back of His head, you see what I mean? And this all-powerful thing? I think we just got greedy. Things were going so good that we just kind of figured we were good for eternity, but you have to have balance with Good and Evil. We got sloppy and didn't monitor things. I mean, we never could have foreseen things that would throw it out of whack like Donald Trump and definitely not Mike Pence. I mean come on. All these people are like, 'Pence is the Devil. Trump is the Devil!' And I'm like, 'Give me some credit. This is just a job for me. These guys like it. I punch the clock for Evil; they actually enjoy this shit.' And have you looked into Dick Cheney's eyes by the way? That shit is Evil. And just for the record, if Trump is reading this, I invented the 'art of the deal,' buddy. Yeah, hundreds of years before you were born. Ever heard of a Faustian pact, sport? That was me. So suck it, Trump."
Jesus's escapades have been widely noted in the tabloids. Drunken revelry, strip clubs, transvestites, notably hung-over in public - how is he holding up?
"He's a kid, you know? He's a good kid; love him like a nephew or something. I've been to every bar-mitzvah and his and Mary's wedding and all, but this is all new to him. I mean, how many people have to handle the chronological end of humanity. That's stress, bro, and He's used to being the superstar. I'm not saying the Old Man spoiled him or coddled him, because that Crucifixion thing was pretty harsh, but it's definitely new to him and He'll figure it out."
Are you implying that Jesus, the Son of the Almighty, is a spoiled brat?
"Hey come on, what do I look like? You think I'm some kind of bad guy? I've known Jesus as long as anyone. I changed that kids robes in the manger for crying out loud. Shit, I bought him his first dreidel. I was there for the bris and everything, so don't tell me about Jesus. He's a good kid. I'm just saying, since day one (literally), He's had all this pressure on him to succeed. It happens to kids. They have these alpha-male dads and they rebel. Go to a little league baseball field any weekend and you see these dads trying to live out their dreams through their kids. It's horrible. Okay, look at what he did with the money-changers at the temple. Classic 'acting-out behavior.' I would have gotten my ass kicked for acting out like that in public. But, you know, He's the son of a guy who had one week to create the world and still had time to take Sunday off to chill. I mean, His Dad created humans for crying out loud. You try filling those shoes."
So, are you implying that Jesus has some sort of inferiority complex?
"No, nothing like that. It's just big shoes. There's that old saying that 'behind every great man is an even greater woman.' Well, He's got Mary behind Him. I don't know if you've seen her lately, but she aged very well. She's pushing two eons and she can still rock the bikini, you dig? He'll be okay, if for nothing else then for her. We have a good team and we'll take care of this whole thing."
Are you, maybe, implying Jesus couldn't handle this on his own?
"Hey, we all need help some times. Are we gonna let our personal pride get in the way of handling the end of history properly? Come on. I think we all know this is why they brought me in. Trump better not think I'm the apprentice this time around. This isn't some reality TV show, right? Like I said, I've been making deals way longer than he has. I've had them all. Henry the 8th, Attila the Hun, Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini - World War II was a banner time in the evil business - even Kissinger and Nixon, not to mention Tom Hanks. Yeah, Tom Hanks. You think his talent made those movies? Castaway? He was talking to a friggen beach ball. Of course I was behind that one. You think that did well on the merits of the script? And don't get me started on Will Smith while we're at it. Anyway, to Trump I say, 'They say the Lord giveth and the Lord giveth away,' but so do I, pal."
Why, then, should everyone call you "Lu" instead of Lucifer?
Ask anyone who's ever been in the biz. It's branding - or re-branding in my case. I gotta get away from that whole red-faced, two horns, cloven-feet thing. It's old. There's no more hocus-pocus to it anymore like in the old days. Once people started reading books and getting smart, they figured it out. Sure it worked in The Middle Ages, but then that damned printing press came along and books were everywhere. I should've known then, right? Look at Evil now. It's a guy with his own tower in New York City with a beautiful European wife and a golf course. It's a Christian cat from Indiana with a wife and three kids. Me? I gotta catch up with the times, man. That's why I'm going with Lu instead of Lucifer, dig?"
And you're confident that you - along with the other members of this End Times Dream Team - can handle these forces of Evil, like Pence and Trump?
"Hey, I've been around a long time, baby. I told you I rolled with the big guys from Torquemada on down. Like I told you before, I was Jesus before Jesus, and I sure as shit was making deals before Trump. Yeah, I was Trump before Trump. So one last thing I have to say to Donald J. Trump: 'Ya fired.' Oh shit that was a good pun. I have to remember that one."