Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Tuesday, 20 December 2016

image for Texas Legislature Orders Sperm Emissions to be Buried or Creamated

AUSTIN--Gov. Greg Abbott signed into law what the Texas legislature has deemed the "Save Our Sperm Law," which, Abbott said after signing the legislation, "will give voice to the unconcepted among us."

The new law (in part an addition to Texas Administrative Code 25), details the proper disposing of wastes, including,

". . .products of spontaneous or induced masturbations ('spontaneous masturbations' being defined as 'nocturnal emissions,' or 'wet dreams'), regardless of the time of day or night, except as provided by ยง1.133 of this title (relating to Scope, Covering Emissions and Minimum Parametric Standards for Waste Treatment Technologies Previously Approved by the Texas Department of Public Morality), including:

(i) sperm emissions;
(ii) tissue or toilet paper holding the sperm emissions;
(iii) apples or other fruits used in masturbation;
(iv) bed sheets that may have been saturated by the masturbator's ejaculate;
(v) and laboratory specimens of blood and tissue after completion of masturbatory examination."

Explained Rep. Jodie Laubenberg, who first proposed the law last June, "I'm proposing this law to stop the Holocaust that is occurring among the billions of innocent sperm flushed down the toilet or thrown away in our waste disposal dumps daily because we no longer believe, as the Pro-life activist Mr. Monty Python declared decades ago, that 'Every sperm is sacred.' Also, as has now been indisputably established by science, and as our Judeo-Christian Bible makes amply clear, life begins before conception!"

Rep. Laubenberg's teenage son David, on hearing about the new law, just shrugged his shoulders and threw his be-spermed tissue into the living room fireplace, saying, "Meh. No big deal."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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