Written by Paul Blake
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Monday, 5 December 2016

image for Tony Bennett Releases Yet Another Fucking Christmas Album
The daughter of one of Tony's rich neighbors was the inspiration for, I'm A Christmas Whore - There I Said It.

New York, New York - Proving to the world once again that he is, indeed, still alive, crooner Tony Bennett releases the 500th Christmas album in his nauseating yule tide collection. This latest one is called, I'm A Christmas Whore - There, I Said It!

"This one really means a great deal to me," said the 90-year-old Bennett convincingly, during his 225th appearance at the lighting of the NBC Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center. "Not only is it my 500th Christmas Album, but I think it was also the fastest I've ever recorded one of them in my entire career. And I did it all in my underwear, while slurping scrambled eggs through a straw one morning back in November. I didn't even stop to go to the bathroom," he told the audience, "even though I had to go really, really bad."

The holiday album (his 9th this year alone) features songs that Tony has already recorded several hundred times. Many of his favorites, like Let It Snow. "Yeah, that one has made it on to at least 300 of my Christmas Albums because I can really relate to that song, you know. It's a simple classic about a guy just trying to get laid at Christmas. I think that's nice." I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas, another of Bennett's perennial favorites, touches a note because it reminds him of his coke-habit days. "Boy, those were fun times," he admits nostalgically.

Other songs on the album, Tony readily admits are not some of his favorites, but he recorded them anyway, just so he could boast that he's officially recorded every single Christmas song in world history. "To tell you the truth, I really hate that goddamn Frosty. It used to be that just the thought of doing that ditty would make me want to puke into a cup and pour the barf directly into my earholes. But Lady Gaga talked me into doing it. So, I said ok, just as long as you get a nice, big snowman tattoo on your ass, I'll do it! Boy, what a dame! You should see that thing!"

Some songs, recorded over Skype, will feature a few of Bennett's other holiday whore friends, such as Carole King, James Taylor, Dolly Parton and emerging whore, Michael Buble. The combined total of Christmas albums set upon the world by these five stars alone easily tops the 1000 mark. "It's incredible," admits Bennett, looking out at Central Park from his luxury apartment on Manhattan's Westside. "I never in a million years would have thought you could squeeze so much dough out of Christmas. But old ladies and gay people have really kept my cupboards full of caviar and liquid scrambled eggs. Well, I better get some sleep. I'm old as fuck, and I've got another Christmas album to record in the morning. This one is with Alvin and The Chipmunks. God, I hate those annoying little bastards! But they work for peanuts - literally. And my record company likes that very much."

Look for Tony's next holiday album, A Christmas Roadkill, (his 501st) to drop sometime Tuesday afternoon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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