Written by Dixie Normous
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Topics: Prison, Poo, funny

Sunday, 4 December 2016

Jack Mehoff, a new prisoner at Oregon State Penitentiary, was involved with the escape of Dick Smalley, a psychopath who has killed over 46 people in Salem, Oregon. Charged for helping with an escape, he claims it was an accident, the main factor being diarrhea.

"It wasn't my fault," pleaded Mehoff, 23, when the security guards questioned him. "I had diarrhea in jail. I didn't have a lot of time to eat. My breakfast was bran muffins, Brussel sprouts, prunes, and some of that Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt that makes you poop. I went to the jail and my stomach was in bad shape," He stated nervously. "I then went into the strip search room and my stomach started feeling worse. I was told to squat and cough as I squatted and coughed, I farted. It was really loud and disgusting and smelled like rotten eggs. The detention officer and other inmates were laughing at me. The officer said, "I'll make sure the nurse gives you some beano before bed tonight" then they took us up to the dayroom and I went over to introduce myself to my fellow inmates and as that happened I farted and diarrhea came squirting out and went onto the floor."

Mehoff covered his face as he recalled the embarrassing memory.

"My... my orange uniform and white undies then... ripped... due to the weight of the feces so I was naked completely... inmates were laughing and one vomited. The... um, officer sounded the alarm for the nurse and I went to try and run out but I forgot the door was locked and I banged into the officer who blocked me and sent her to the floor."

By this point, Mehoff was quite hesitant to tell anyone else what happened next, for a crowd had started to gather to listen to his ridiculous tale. He began quietly, "my naked butt then landed on her face and I farted and poo came out and went into her mouth. She vomited and fainted... then a guy who said he was in there for murder grabbed her keys and escaped... and now I'm charged with helping an escape. I am so embarrassed," he finally concludes.

Authorities are still unsure whether to believe this perfectly ridiculous string of events. Mehoff still has charges, and is now widely known in the Oregon State Penitentiary for his tale. Some inmates claim to have been at the scene, and others say it's all a load of baloney. Nevertheless, Mehoff has made himself a local celebrity jailbird; if that was his goal, then well accomplished.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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