Written by King David
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Monday, 11 December 2006

image for George Bush Becomes "Vagina Warrior" - Spears Nominated 'Poster Child' for Vagina Movement
Fighting for vaginas everywhere

In stirring news today at the White House, your president, George Bush declared that he was a "vagina warrior" and will employ the implacable, Brittany Spears as poster child for the vagina movement. The term, "vagina warrior" comes from the current woman's movement which Eve Ensler, author of the play, Vagina Monologues and the book, Insecure At Last helped to start.

In both works she admonishes establishment patriarchs for fear mongering and authoritarianism in making us more insecure rather than helping us to feel more secure as a nation and as persons with vaginas. As a result, women and men have been getting together throughout the planet to reclaim their vaginas and feel strength in solidarity and growing numbers for the movement.

The junior Bush blamed his father, George Bush Sr. for the pain and violence that he experienced as a child growing up in the senior's household and admitted being a victim of abuse.

"He used to flog us regularly," said Bush junior, "and assault us verbally. He used to threaten to pack me off to military school if I didn't straighten out. Fortunately, I ended up at Phillips Exeter and Yale where it wasn't so bad. I would have never made it in the armed forces. I was too heavy a drinker to begin with. I would have drunken myself to death. I had to get out from under his autocratic authority to feel safe."

But critics point to the principal of adversity in forming character and asked the president if he wasn't the slightest bit grateful for having such a harsh and demanding, sometimes violent father. You know the principal "that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"Of course it does," the Bush junior replied. "I agree wholeheartedly with that principal. And, in fact, that's what Iraqis and Americans have to realize about the war. But, in order to heal that trauma, you have to live consciously of it. So much of what is going on right now in Iraq is drugs, prostitution and worshipping false gods. They're dirty, heathen people and they are not living consciously as Christians. I should know I used to have a pagan drinking problem."

"So, what is it that you really want, Mr. President?" our reporters asked.

"I want freedom for everyone. I want to feel connected to the American people and people of the world. I want to feel connected to my body, my vagina instead of off in my head. But freedom is very scary."

"What do you mean?" we asked.

"Pain has been our home for so long because it is familiar to us. It's hard to move from a place of pain and familiarity to one of freedom, but that's why I'm a vagina warrior. And you should be too. When I was visiting Africa, I met a woman who was a teacher and she traveled all over the land with two little boxes. One showed what a healthy vagina looked like and other showed a mutilated vagina. I was inspired by this woman who risked her life to do this work. She began a "protect your clitoris movement" and safe houses all over Africa are springing up for women who flee their male tormentors. I want to be like this woman. I want this movement to spread like a vagina virus here in America."

"But aren't you afraid of burn out, Mr. President?" we asked. "You're so conscious of your banker's hours schedule. Don't you think all this peace and justice crap will just get in the way?"

"I've stopped trying to take care of people and have begun just listening to them," he replied. "When I was in Iraq, I sat with those women over there and just listened to stories of their husbands being shot and decapitated in front of their eyes and their daughters being raped. I cried with those women for two weeks. We are so busy in America striving. For what, we don't know, only to be better than the next person. Our sole purpose of existence is to beat the other guy. Why can't we just be? We don't gather anymore and hang out. We're always on the go. We always have to be somewhere."

Well, we certainly respect that position here at The Spoof magazine. Is there anything else that you need to get off your chest before we go?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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