After reading the Iraq Study Group report President George W. Bush has concluded that the panel of experts agrees with his Iraq policy. He assures Americans that there is no reason to change course in Iraq: not that he has ever been stay the course, mind you. President Bush said, "Sure they may say that mostly all of my policies are failures, but I know that. I just don't listen to pessimistics. You need to learn from your mistakes and that is what I am doing: constantly."
"Think about it logistically," continued President Bush on his weekly radio address, "I mean, even Al Gore agrees with me that Global Warming needs more study. I mean, he couldn't possibly believe that it needs less study. More study and less action, I say." Former Vice President Al Gore told reporters that, "Global Warming must have fried Bush's brain like an egg."
President Bush then attempted to reference American history to create images of great sacrifice and togetherness, all to make a case for his Iraq policy. "See, we can agree in a bi-partisan manner. And bi-partisanship is important. It is what got the pilgrims to the New World. No wait, they had three ships, not two. You must forgive my historical inaccuracies. Anyway, the point is, Iraq Mayflower into a democracy. I mean, we all have the same objective. And that objective is to win in Iraq. And I can lead us to victory. Not only can I, but will I."
The president was very sure that he could achieve victory in Iraq without the help of the study group, claiming that he is still the decider. "We may have lost the Congress and the Senate but we are not going to lose the Iraq War. I do not see how losing Congress and the Senate will change things because I am the decider. I will glace over the recommendations, I guess, but ultimately I decide which ones we need and which need to be thrown out. Kind of like votes for Democrats."
Though the American people are starting to lose faith in Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliqi, the president assured them that he is the right man for the job. He reminded them that Even Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, and the president himself needed time to gain the public?s trust. The president might want to set a timetable for that one. Anyway, President Bush has the utmost confidence in the Iraqi Prime Minister. "We need to embrace President Malarkey to win this war, and I am already reaching out to him," assured the president. "Um, on second thought I think I will just call him up. It is kind of dangerous over there."
The president then made a last ditch effort to pin the blame on the press, who did, to be fair, helped lead America into war by allowing the president to be untruthful to the American people. Since then they have turned on the president, but he is a good sport. he invited us to go quail hunting with him and the vice president on Christmas Eve. Bush commented as only he can, "Everyday the liberal media reports that the war is becoming more and more civil. I bet that they have eggs on their faces right about now. All press predictions turned out to be wrong and that is what the Iraq Study Group should have concluded. The war has become so civil that our soldiers only need silly string to subdue the terrorists, and to detect bombs. This is great news. Put a fork in Iraq's road map to peace: it's done."
"The conclusion I made from the report is that you must agree with me, or you are with the terrorists," said the president, whom few would refer to as an unwavering, gallant leader. "In the words of famous Volkswagen Beatle John Lennon's song Across the Universe, "Nothing's gonna change my mind." I think that's how it goes, because that's how I go. By the way, here's your bill. I hope your children don't need social security. Bone-Appetite."
President Bush concluded his speech as arrogantly as ever. "Good night, and may God continue to bless America. And maybe Iraq, too, I guess. I may consider that recommendation. Maybe. I mean, it would be more of an American victory than an Iraqi victory, wouldn't you say? God Bless America."