Written by T. Loaf
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Monday, 14 November 2016

Canadian border control boats rescued almost 800 US Americans yesterday seeking to escape the USA in dinghis across Lake Erie. All were wearing T-shirts declaring 'We love maple syrup' and were humming tunes by Justin Bieber and Katie Moore. They were returned to their port of departure in Vermilion, Ohio and initially catered for in a local sports hall.

Hundreds of vessels have been spotted on the Great Lakes of Huron, Ontario, Superior and Erie since the election of Donal Trump last week. US state officials confirmed that Trump is considering building a wall along the border with Canada to keep his countrymen in.

Applications for courses in Inuinnaqtun, the indigenous language of the Inuit, have been flooding in to adult education colleges on the USA side. Many are hoping this will enhance their chances of being accepted within Canadian territory. French is also a favorite (English too, incidentally), though President Trudeau of Canada voiced concern about developments.

"We are a peaceful nation, but also a thoughtful one. An influx of US Americans will of course bring about a collapse in our overall IQ levels, and our average weight figures will inevitably rocket. But we intend to be a haven for all who are suffering and are heavy-laden..."

"Those bear-hugging, Eskimo-phobic geeks wanting to quit can go", scowled Trump in his inimitable diplomatic tone. "Once the wall's up....and they'll pay for it..... you bet they will.... they'll think twice. And I'm gonna put mines in the Lakes...Now that really will be eerie....get it?.."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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