The White House staff was in full swing as measures are put in place in expectation of the needs of incumbent president Trump.
"The first thing we did was put baby proof door knobs on all of the military related areas," stated Denis Richard McDonough. "We put an extra baby lock on "the button", McDouough explained further. "It is our understanding that he has exceedingly short fingers and a quick temper, so our hope is that he'll get frustrated and walk away mad like most children would after a couple of unsuccessful attempts to access it."
Some other measures taking place are plastic coverings being placed on all historical furniture in the event of any "spillage" during one of the president's private meetings with female visitors. All attractive women on staff will also be fitted with hockey masks in the event that the president isn't able to control his lips in their presence.
Some other upgrades include all signage will be changed to extra large print and throne shaped chair lifts will be installed on all stairs to replicate the 70 year old's current comfort level at Trump Tower.
There is also talk of adding 5 new members to the grooming staff to reduce the amount of time it takes for Trump to comb his hair from three hours down to something more manageable for the hectic schedule of the president of the United States.
"Overall, our transition is going quite smoothly," McDonough said, "now, all we have to do is determine which rooms we can configure to house Trump TV and its staff. It will be a first for our country to have an in-house broadcast network right inside the White House. I'm sure this level of access will only further the American people's understanding of the inner workings of our government."
It was unclear if having to compete with a private TV network owned by the president would affect access of other competing news organizations. "Most people just probably assume they'll make stuff up just like they did during the past election cycle." offered one staff member.
Some other firsts appear to be the addition of stripper poles and a rotating zebra print circular bed in the oval office, and portraits of former Presidents being replaced by advertisements for Trump University and many of the incumbent president's other business ventures.
"We are trying to advise against replacing the Roosevelt Chandelier with a disco ball, but the incoming family does have a certain amount of leeway when it comes to White House decor," the exasperated Chief of Staff explained. "Although, we did had to flatly dent the request for each Trump family member to have their own new White House constructed."
One staffer summed the experience up best, "I think it makes sense on a metaphorical level. The American people clearly wanted the government tore up, and that's exactly what Mr. Trump is doing to the White House."