Written by Keith Shirey
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Thursday, 3 November 2016

image for Trump Gives 6 Reasons To Vote For Him
'VOTE FOR ME, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?"

Donald Trump has given an amazing closing speech about why he should be elected President in 2016. It can be broken down into different parts about why he should be elected according to Mr. Trump:

1) "People say I suffer from a pathological narcissistic disorder, am a megalomaniac, assault women, and am a sociopath. Well, suppose all of this is true. It mostly isn't true of Bill Clinton and Barak Obama and look where these lightweights have gotten us today! They are total losers who have destroyed the military and the middle class. Why not give a crazy person a chance? I'm bound to be better than they are. What have you got to lose?"

2) I'm a great entertainer. Elect me and you'll never be bored. If I threaten some country or the other with nuclear annihilation you'll hold your breaths to see if I carry it out. It will be amazingly exciting. You'll have nothing to lose!

3) Previous Presidents, from what I've read about only 4 of them, because of my limited attention span, have been relatively honest. Not me! I've engaged in many fraudulent business practices even cheating widows and orphans! Why not try a deceitful swindler like me? Politics is just one big con anyway! What have you got to lose with a guy like me on your side? What have you got to lose? Bing bing bong bong bing bing bing.

4) The PC people say that Presidents should be well read and educated. And the lightweight loses who have been in the Oval office have mostly been that way. Even though I've forgotten everything I've learned, I did go to one of the best Ivy League Schools. And, remember this folks, reading is for low energy people who don't have the best brains; they are the opposite of me. Education and reading, believe me, are overrated.

5) Hatred, bigotry, racism, strong immigration restrictions, Nativism, xenophobia, anti-intellectualism, advocacy of violence against one's political opponents and misogyny are part of our American heritage. I embody all of these. I am the true voice of the American people. I "tell it like it is," and say things millions of Americans are afraid to say. That is why hate groups support me.

6) People say I am a "walking Id." I say, so what? The id is very, very strong. It is the reptile in our brains. It's all about winning, being a celebrity and grabbing women's vaginas to show one's power. It's all about the strength and power that total losers don't have. I am an unbelievably strong winner just like my friend Putin. You need on your side. Vote for me. What have you got to lose? I truly am unbelievable."

With apologies to Nicholas Krisof whose 11/3/16 NYT's column sparked this.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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