Written by Nicholas Renteria
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Saturday, 22 October 2016

This week saw one of the largest hacks in the history of the Internet, and the world is still coming to terms with the leaked information.

The target was Google and its massive server system, which apparently houses much more personal information than even most techies had imagined.

The targeted servers housed information from every Google search ever conducted, even those using incognito windows, as well as all web activity involving Google Chrome, and all Google Drive activity. This information was then connected to the personal Google account or IP address of the user who conducted the search or web activity and thus traced with apparent precision to the individual responsible.

The targeted servers also housed a new source of information gathered from users of Google cell phones, including the Nexus and Pixel models.

This means that all cell phone activity of these phone owners -- i.e. texting, Google chrome web activity, app usage, Google Maps searches, etc. -- was recorded on google's servers and thus leaked this weekend.

That makes this one of the largest and most egregious blows to personal privacy, not only in the history of the modern technological era, but in the history of mankind.

While Google users have expressed outrage over both the amount of information it gathered as well as Google's lack of security, many politicians and celebrities have been on the defense after the material exposed from their Google usage proved scandalous.

Dozens of the nation's top elected officials have held press conferences to deny incriminating or disturbingly hypocritical information made public by the hack.

Former Republican US Senator Rick Santorum, known for his staunchly anti-gay marriage stance, lashed out against the publication of his Google inquiries that included repeated searches of the phrases "man on man," "young men sucking," and "gay orgy."

Santorum told the media Saturday, "This purported 'hack' is nothing more than the fanciful fabrications of internet trolls with too much time on their hands. This is not truth. This leaked information is 100% fiction."

Santorum was but one of a slew of politicians and political commentators to rebut the publication of their alleged online activity.

Ann Coulter, a conservative commentator whose statements on immigration and the black community tend to garner cries of racism, defended herself yesterday after the Google leak reported that she often (as much as twice a day) frequented racially-based pornographic websites such as Big Black Dicks, Mandingo Media, and BrownDickWhitePussy.

"I'll tell you right now," Coulter announced to the Fox and Friends cast Monday morning, "the very second they find out who released this slander, they'll be getting a call from my lawyer."

And the leak wasn't any kinder to liberal politicians.

Secretary of State John Kerry was quoted as saying in a personal email that he hates shaking hands with diplomats from Middle Eastern countries because "they just don't smell right." He also says he prefers meeting with Israeli officials because "at least the Jews know how to shower."

Stars of the screen and stage have also been dragged through the mud by the hack.

Sean Penn has come under fire after being quoted as saying in a personal email that he only gets involved in issues of social justice to "get some of that young hippie trim."

Matt Damon became the butt of many Twitter jokes and memes after the hack reported that he spent hours searching for and then viewing pornographic films involving Sarah Palin lookalikes.

Even Emma Watson, idolized both for her role as Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films as well as her role as a Feminist spokesperson for the UN, has become an object of public scorn.

The leak claims that Watson registered for and repeatedly used a "rape fantasy" service in which she paid strange men to come to her house unannounced; the men would then pretend to force themselves upon Watson for her own sexual enjoyment.

Not all of the hack's revelations were as tame, however. A number of political and public figures have now come under investigation for crimes such as child pornography (actor/director Woody Allen, country music superstar Toby Keith), illegal business transactions including those involved with campaign fundraising (President Barrack Obama, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg), and even murder (Barbara Walters).

As news conferences and defensive tweets continue to flood the Internet, authorities continue to investigate both the source of the hack and the veracity of the claims it has made.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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