Written by Samantha Irene
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Monday, 17 October 2016

ST. LOUIS, MO - Speaking to reporters on Tuesday, local feminist activist Jessica Bell revealed that all she really, really wants is to be groped by a strange man, preferably one who adheres to rigorously strict gender norms.

"Really, the rougher the grab, the better," said Bell, whose revelation comes on the heels of the recently released 'Trump Tapes.'

"It's not that I condone what Donald Trump said," she assured reporters, "but I would like someone to do that to me."

When asked whether she thought her desires contradicted her long-held feminist beliefs, Bell said she no longer sees any conflict.

"I used to think that feminist sex always needed to be fostered by really boring stuff, like tenderness and open communcication, but after reading a bunch of Tumblr posts, I realized that the heart of feminism supports all of our choices, no matter how fucked up those choices are.*

"It's like with make-up," she added. "Every woman should feel empowered to reinforce totally absurd beauty standards as long as its her decision."

Overall, Bell is hopeful about feminism's influence on the United States.

"Look, it's 2016," she said. "We don't need men to objecftify us anymore - we can do it ourselves."

However, she was quick to add, "But if you do know any dominating, Hulk-like men who'd like to grab a pussy, feel free to give them my number."


*EDIT: Bell later corrected her statement, amending that, "All choices are empowering, unless your choices are racist, so please don't fuck this up for us, guys."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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