Written by thomas o'hanlon
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Sunday, 16 October 2016

image for Missing cell-tower found in Rockefeller center
Patsy Lang on using land line

"I always had four bars and a clear line" said a distraught Patsy Lang standing in front of what was a cell tower that stood on her land for four years until it mysteriously disappeared "now I got no bars and I had to buy me a five-thousand-foot extension for my land line so I can get to Wal-Mart and back for cripes sake"

The 200-foot tower disguised as a large pine tree was considered by the Carbon county locals as well as design experts to be the most beautiful of all the camouflaged cell towers.

"If it was a tree it would have been the most beautiful tree I ever saw" said a somber Eddy McKallen as he happened on to the vacant site with his easel and painting supplies. "I spent hours here painting that tree. Well I suppose I can paint the empty sky, that might be easier than painting thousands of fake pine needles" he said

Carbon County chief of detectives Sam Hogan was assigned to the case and after inspection of the site and some ingenious intuition began to crack it.

"I looked at the base of the cell tower and saw that there were empty holes where giant metal screw had fastened the tower to it and then I remembered being here in this area hunting a few days back when I saw Gary Schmidt the tree guy cutting down a giant tree. Gary says to me 'hey Hogan Carbon county will be famous now because this here tree is going to Rockyfeller center for Christmas' that's great I says but I ain't never seen no tree screwed into the ground before." The detective said "and Schmidt tells me it must have been leaning over so someone came and supported it."

After several days of pondering, Detective Hogan came to the conclusion that the missing cell tower was indeed the same tree that Gary Schmidt had removed.

"Well hell" Mr. Schmidt told reporters "some feller from New York shows up and tells me he'll give me five thousand bucks to cut the son of a bitch down so I cut the son of a bitch down".

Apparently the tree had been spotted by a helicopter fly over by Rockefeller center chief of Christmas tree scouting Spatz Fisher.

"cell tower? Whatever! I had to have it" he explained standing under the decorated "tree" at Rockefeller center "look at it. It's the most beautiful tree I ever saw."

And it seemed like every visitor, tourist, office worker, and area resident agreed with Mr. Fishers opinion. The crowds have been larger than any Christmas prior and the amount of cash flowing into mid-town Manhattan has made this a record year for profits.

"So we have decided to keep it" said Mr. Spatz "we're financing a new tower for the folks in Pennsylvania and keeping this tree permanently. We'll take down the decorations in January but the tree remains standing offering its majestic presence as well as fine cell service. And of course we no longer have to cut down any more trees" he continued "which is fine by me because I hate helicopters"

"well this is great news for me" said Patsy Lang from her land line while waiting to check out at the Carbon county Wal-Mart "my extension cord keeps getting-".

We lost contact with Patsy at that moment but we're pretty sure we know what she was saying.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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