Written by mikewadestr
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Tuesday, 11 October 2016

image for Obama Replaces John Kerry with Jack Reacher as the New Secretary of State
I need to kick some ass today.

Trying to secure his legacy, especially when it comes to foreign policy, President Barack Obama replaced reigning Secretary of State, John Kerry, with Jack Reacher. Obama wanted to leave the White House remembered as a tough guy who could handle the likes of Russian President Vladimir Putin as well as North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.

Jack Reacher made his presence felt on the first day on the job when he beat up Russian Ambassador Sergey Ivanovich Kislyak and one of his attaches during a meeting between the two. When asked why he beat them up Reacher replied:

"Two is a prime number, it can only be divided by 1 and itself. Prime numbers are good. There were two of them so I gave them a good beating. Now four on the other hand is not a prime number because it can be divided by two as well as one and itself. This makes four a non-prime number which is bad. If there had been four of them they all would have received a much worse beating. Six is like 4 it can be divided by one, three and six. If there was six of them they would have received the same beating as if there would have been four of them. You don't want me explaining what type of beating they would have gotten if there had been eight or twelve of them".

Reacher told the gathered press that his first order of business would be to visit Putin and beat him into a coma with a plate of beef stroganoff. He would then fly to North Korea, put leader Kim Jong-un's head into a commode and give him the swirly of a lifetime.

Reacher claimed to have plans to execute for other unpopular world leaders but wasn't at liberty to say what they were seeing he doesn't walk around with a list of them in his back pocket.

As of press time Reacher was trying on a Bedouin robe so he could sneak undetected into Syria in order to give President Bashar al-Assad a super wedgie.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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