Written by Don Grapper
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Saturday, 1 October 2016

image for Trump Campaign Reacts To Trump Sex Tape , "Not Everything Longer Than It Is Thick Out of Which White Fluid Comes Jetting in Successive, Pumping Streams Represents A Spasmodic Penis In The Undulating Throes Of A Massive Ejaculation"
"Who corks their cock hole?" - Trump Campaign Denies Bursting Champagne Explosions Represent Spurting Cocks

New York, NY - The Trump campaign today shot back at the Clinton camp over Clinton's characterizations of a year 2000 Playboy video in which Trump appears opening a bottle of champagne, surrounded by topless and scantily clad "broads" who bounce up and down as Trump sprays the foamy contents of the bottle all over their jugs with a look of "juvenile delight" on his "beaming face."

"It was a hot and muggy day," said a Trump spokeswoman, "and Mr. Trump was spraying the girls down to cool them off."

The spokeswoman emphasized that in no way shape of form were Mr. Trump's actions intended to be some kind of "allegory for spraying wads of semen all over the women out of his larger than average wiener," and went on to say that in an America under Donald Trump "such sick thoughts of the male penis will not be the first thing that comes to a person's mind every time a man wields an item longer than it is thick."

The spokeswoman went on to list a series of items, mostly from the fruit and vegetable family (cucumbers, plantains, bananas) but also brought up pepper grinders and a certain "rather tubular" brand of Lava Lamp that has long been out of production. She also said if a person put an apple on top of a tube of tennis balls "it would look a hell of a lot like a pretty damn big dong."

"Leave it to the Clinton camp, whose candidate rode the coattails of a man who came all over the oval office drapes in a series of Monica Lewinsky provisioned blow jobs to see the spectacle of Mr. Trump shaking the glistening white, foamy contents of a champagne bottle all over the bear - and fucking huge- bouncing jugs of a group of Playboy playmates as somehow representing something sexual."

Meanwhile, on Twitter, Trump himself has been uncharacteristically circumspect and has remained eerily silent on the shooting of champagne bottle "pecker-snot" as one Clinton surrogate put it during a C-Span call in segment, all over "some pretty nice racks."

"Dumb broads with big jugs should be judged on their intellectual merits and found lacking for being fucking stupid," he later tweeted and was then fired by the Clinton campaign. He is now working as an adjunct "geography advisor" for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. He is also suing the Clinton Camp for firing him on Free Speech grounds.

"Listen dipshit," the exasperated Clinton surrogate told a senile frequent caller, "Porn is free speech." The caller went on about the World Bank for a minute but was then interrupted by the soon to be ex-Clinton surrogate, who told him, "I don't think the viewers of C-Span tune in to hear the rants of obvious schizophrenics with thick Mississippi accents; they want to know how the Clinton camp feels about so-called obscene speech and visual representations of the sex act in its many myriad, and often times twisted, forms!"

"The Supreme Court has made it perfectly clear, that porn dialogue is speech under the first amendment. You can no more fire a low level campaign operative for telling a local bimbo anchor to "check out his dong" after the interview than you can fire a porn actor for telling a naked woman he's pointing his penis at to 'suck my fat, black dick you stupid bitch."

"What if the dick isn't even black?" Asked the C-Span host.

The Clinton surrogate was fired by HRC on Twitter in the middle of the show.

"Cock talk has no place in a dignified campaign #HRC #SHUTUPABOUTDICKSALREADY!" the candidate posted.

Seconds later, the surrogate was hired by Libertarian Candidate Gary Johnson, who called in and offered him a job.

"Not a blow job," the candidate quipped.

The former Clinton surrogate turned Johnson tutor went on to comment on the dearth of Asian Men in pornographic films and said that under the economic liberties wrought by the free market policies of a Johnson administration, the private sector would surely develop lens technologies that would make Asian wangs look much bigger," though he did admit that since all "Orientals are midgets," the resulting porn movies might be "freakish" and "better suited for gay art house types than some guy looking to stroke it to something out of the norm."

Asked by the C-Span host just how big he thinks the new lens technology could make a wang look, the former Clinton surrogate claimed "the sky's the limit."

"We're talking Godzillaeque," he said.

Regarding Gary Johnson's geography lessons, the former Clinton operative tapered expectations.

"We'll be starting off slow, which for Johnson will come off as fast," he told CNN's Don Lemon. "Rumor is the last guy taught him a song about South American capital cities but that went poorly when Johnson tried rolling his r's."

He said the candidate broke into "hilarity."

"The guy smokes a lot of weed," the tutor said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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