Written by JennyNorthStar
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Saturday, 1 October 2016

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CHAPPAQUA, N.Y - The presidential campaign between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump reached a new low last week, even by Clinton standards, when the Hillary Clinton camp launched its barrage of misogynist, male chauvinist pig attacks at Donald Trump.

At the heart of the media blitz was Alicia Machado, former Miss Universe, who Trump supposedly called "Miss Piggy" for her weight gain during her tenure. Since Mrs. Clinton obviously doesn't want to discuss real issues concerning Americans, this became the focus of her recent campaign - repeatedly spending the majority of her speeches telling her followers what a meany Trump is to women. This combined with her multi-million dollar ad campaign showing how young women will be scarred for life if Trump becomes president, made a compelling narrative.

Not to be out done, Donald Trump is turning up the heat on his attacks against Hillary Clinton about her husband's past infidelities.

"She's nasty," Trump told The New York Times in an interview published last Friday night, "but I can be nastier than she ever can be." He also doubled down by adding: "Bill Clinton's infidelities brought shame onto the presidency, and Hillary Clinton was there defending him all along."

What Trump didn't mention was that President George W. Bush, just after taking office in 2001 following Bill Clinton, had a hazmat team disinfect the White House Oval Office before he would enter it. A 2001 entry in the Federal budget shows a mysterious $1 million house cleaning entry.

The following are some of the Clinton stories that the American public can expect to see this upcoming week.

Colin Powell: "[Bill]...still dicking bimbos"

On September 13, hacked emails by Colin Powell started hitting the media airways. In an email sent to equity investor Jeffrey Leeds in July 2014, Powell unloaded on Hillary Clinton: "I would rather not have to vote for her, although she is a friend I respect. "A 70-year person with a long track record, unbridled ambition, greedy, not transformational, with a husband still 'dicking bimbos' at home (according to the NYP)."

"..friend I respect."? Oh my! I'd hate to see what Colin Powell says about his enemies!

Powell sent the message just days after The Washington Post revealed in May that Bill Clinton allegedly has a blond mistress Julie McMahon who visits his Chappaqua home so often, she was dubbed "the Energizer" by the Secret Service. To make matters worse, the humiliating news was reported that the Clinton Global Initiative forked over a staggering $2 million to a for-profit company run by Bill's alleged former mistress.

Of course, at the time of the email revelations, most of the media concentrated on other Colin Powell emails that were disparaging of Donald Trump. The few media outlets that did try to cover the story, awkwardly tried to sanitize Colin Powell's salty remarks by leaving out the word "dicking" or used other methods to try and report the story.

In deference to anyone who would be offended by "dicking", I've changed it to "Banging". Besides, "Bill Banging Bimbos" as some alliteration to it.

Bill Clinton's long list of mistresses is no secret, including the most infamous, admitted affairs with Gennifer Flowers and one of his own White House interns, Monica Lewinsky, who he actually had multiple sexual encounters right in the Oval office. What was surprising was that a 70 year old man, after three major heart surgeries in 2004, 2005, and 2010, is still "banging" anyone!

One of Bill's doctors, who did not wish to be identified, said: "Bill's 'ticker' isn't what it used to be, but his pecker is!" A pharmaceutical insider confirmed: "There have been ongoing negotiations with Bill Clinton and Pfizer, the manufacture of Viagra, to reproduce his testosterone and make it available to men suffering from erectile dysfunction." The doctor went on to say: "For men who use this new medical miracle cure we will be developing, erections lasting more than four hours will just be a warm up."

Clinton New Home Purchase

After the Julie McMahon affair story with Bill broke in May, just three months later, Hillary and Bill purchased a 3,631-square-foot home next door to their primary residence in Chappaqua, N.Y. for $1,160,000. The Clinton's now own the entire cul-de-sac at the end of the road in the leafy New York suburb.

According to New York Police Department records, just leaked this week, shortly after the Clinton's purchase of the adjacent home, neighbors started complaining about a "whirring" sound coming from the property. Previously, there had been similar complaints regarding the Clinton's original home, but concerned citizens were informed by police it was just Mrs. Clinton's homebrew email server deleting potential incriminating emails; they were asked to be understanding and told it helps her sleep better at night. However, many neighbors said this time it's louder and more like a low frequency hum that goes on all night.

An unnamed construction worker found working at the Clinton properties, disclosed the following: "Bill Clinton commissioned an underground tunnel to be built between the two Clinton residences." "The low frequency hum neighbors are hearing are augers digging the tunnel." Obviously, Bill plans to use the tunnel to move between the two homes undetected by either the press, police, Secret Service or Hillary. The unnamed construction worker also commented: "Bill told me, with a big smirk on his face, when it's completed, I can sneak out, even when Hillary is in town, and bang all the bimbos I want." Of course, the Clinton foundation will be picking up the construction costs.

Mrs. Clinton Interview

After hearing about the newly leaked Bill Clinton salacious news stores, a Fox News reported wanted to scoop the story over the weekend by interviewing Mrs. Clinton to get her reaction. They met in a hotel room in Florida where she had recently been speaking. A Clinton aid, present in room, who did not want to be identified, described the encounter. "After the Fox News reporter reviewed the new scandalous news stories, Mrs. Clinton was clearly distressed." "After a broken table, three smashed lamps, and a shrimp buffet splattered over the hotel room's walls, two men in white coats came in and escorted her to a back bedroom." "After just 30 minutes, she reappeared, composed, with a happy smile on her face." The Clinton aid commented: "Thank God for her new 'meds'".

Although the details of the Fox News interview with Mrs. Clinton won't be appearing until later next week, a teaser question and answer was.

Fox News Reporter: "When you can't even handle your own husband, how can the American people expect you to handle those pesky Russians you talk about all the time?

Mrs. Clinton: "Thank you for asking." "As you know, Bill and I have a very special relationship." "Our agreement was simple." "He can bang all the bimbos he wants, he just needs to help me become president." "Once I'm elected, I'll be putting him in chastity and he won't be allowed anywhere near the Oval Office or any interns ever again!" "I'll be instructing the Secret Service to shoot first and ask questions later if anything cums out of his pants."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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