Written by joseph k winter
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Wednesday, 28 September 2016

image for 400 pound man sitting on his bed found in sleazy hotel room in New York
Mr. Mellinoski will slip into the waters here en route to Russia

The mysterious hacker referred to by Donald Trump in Monday night's presidential debate has finally been identified.

Mr. Rottinan Mellinoski, originally from Buffalo, now resides in a small hotel room in New York City, with window looking on to the brick wall of another building.

Mr. Trump's comment came in response to Hillary Clinton's again pointing the finger of blame at Russia for hacks into her political affairs.

That is, a hacker working with Wikileaks has blown the whistle on the DNC's shady manipulations in overthrowing Bernie Sanders for the presidential nomination.

Hacks then were also found regarding The Clinton Foundation, with further indication of possibly shady dealings and "pay for play."

Dark insinuations that Russia was behind all this secretive unearthing of foul play was then directed from Ms. Clinton toward Russia and Mr. Putin.

This included that the November election could be interfered with--now discounted.

However, during Monday night's debate, when Ms. Clinton again referred to Russia doing the hacking, Mr. Trump was skeptical of this intelligence.

In a rare opportunity to gain a point during the debate, Mr. Trump said: "It could be someone sitting on their bed who weighs 400 pounds."

Ms. Clinton had no response to this alternative.

Immediately following Mr. Trump's comment a massive manhunt swept the nation.

Mr. Mellinoski was found on his bed clutching a doughnut.

He is responsible for the hacks and has a) had a lifelong love affair with Russia and wanting to be Russian.

When the finger pointed to Russia and Mr. Putin, he felt at the pinnacle of his career on his bed.

His other lifelong ambition b) was to be a real life version of the old cartoon character Humphry, who could sail the seven seas based on the size of his corpus.

Living in Buffalo as a child Mr. Mellinoski dreamed of going over Niagara Falls with no assisting apparatus.

He wanted to sail around the world simply by dipping himself into the ocean, but this ambition required weight--so he took to doughnuts.

He is now close to 500 pounds. Free-floating, he says, requires at least six hundred.

Hacking--with his free hand--was also natural to him, and he fell into tampering, invading, stealing and sneaking.

He applied to the intelligence services CIA, NSA, ISI, KGB, Mossad, and the Democratic National Convention (DNC), and Mr. Trump.

No response to his application documents so far.

He is considering floating his body to Russia, taking a northern Arctic route.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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