Cambridge, MASS - Harvard Historian Peter Lodensplatz predicts Donald Trump will be America's next President. He claims his Presidential prediction model superior to all others because it is based on "all American Presidential elections" dating back to the Articles of Confederation.
"If pressed, most experts wouldn't be able to tell you if there even were Presidents back then," says Lodensplatz.
Most Presidential election prediction models use some kind of a "checklist." Is the economy growing? Is there a foreign policy crisis? Has the same party been in power more than 8 years?
"I use those factors too, and they have powerful predictive propensities," said Lodensplatz. "But I also include 'cock' on my list."
Lodnesplatz's model has a total of 11 factors, and the first ten factors led to a tie between Trump and Clinton.
"That left us with the strongest predictor of success in a Presidential election - does the winning candidate have a cock? Signs point to a Trump victory when that criterion is taken into account."
Lodensplatz was careful to explain that the 'cock question' pertains to whether it is actually attached to the candidate's body.
"Clinton may at any given moment have a cock - in her hand, up her butt, down her throat - but that's not the salient feature. The question is: is the cock part of her actual anatomy? Or, at the end of the day, does it really belong to someone else?"
Lodnesplatz said all winning American Presidential candidates, dating back to the Articles of Confederation, have had cocks.
"Though correlation is not causation, the fact that all winning candidates have had cocks nonetheless makes a cock a pretty powerful predictor of who's going to win."
Lodensplatz has been widely criticized for not taking into account the unprecedented fact that one candidate - Hillary Clinton - is a female and can't have a cock in any kind of permanent sense.
"True," he acknowledges, "but Thomas Dewey's cock was shot off when he was 23 in some kind of freak duck hunting incident, and none of Chester Arthur's opponents had cocks, all of them having been severed in one way or another during the Civil War."
Historians say that in early American history, it was not at all unusual for Presidential candidates not to have cocks. Especially if they had lived on the frontier.
"Woods animals often snuggle up near the cock and balls to stay warm and often gnawed off a drunken frontiersman's wang if they woke up hungry and wanted a midnight snack," says Brown Historian Peter Wood.
"James Fremont, for example, had his dick bit off by a gopher during his ill fated invasion of California," Wood said.
Wood went on to say that animal attacks on cocks occur to this day but are rarely reported because the victims are embarrassed.
"I mean, who's going to call the local news station to tell them a bear swiped their dick off this summer in Yosemite?"
Officials from the Department of Fish and Wildlife reports that at the end of the summer vacation season, forest and other park workers find gnarled remain of human cocks "everywhere."
"Coyote cubs are especially fond of the human cock, seeing it as a kind of 'chew toy,'" a Park Ranger who preferred to remain anonymous said. The official said he has clamored for years to try to get the Department to put up warning signs to deter tourists from showing wild animals their dicks and to take protective measures in their tents but his pleas have gone unheeded.
Senior officials said they're not about to go putting up signs with arrows over stick figures waving their dongs provocatively at rattlesnakes.
Lodenplatz also pointed out that 90 percent of the time when both candidates have had cocks, the one with the bigger cock has won. "There appears also to be some connection between cock size and margin of victory."
Lodensplatz cited Barry Goldwater's "thimble dick" as the reason for his landslide loss to Lyndon Baynes Johnson, who was "hung like James Polk."
"That means more cock equals electoral success," he said. "So Clinton's "zero cock" in the face of however much cock Trump may or may not have, spells a Trump victory in November."
Lodensplatz admitted his model is not perfect, and that there are exceptions to "the biggest cock wins" rule.
"The most recent exception was when Jimm Carter beat Gerald Ford," Lodensplatz said. "Ford's cock was bigger; so big, in fact, that he often tripped over it."
He cited an embarrassing incident when Gerald Ford emerged from Air Force One and waved at a welcoming delegation in the Philippines, only to step on his own cock as he descended and fall down the airplane stairs.
"That forever branded him a retard in the eyes of a big enough portion of the electorate to doom his chances at re-election," Lodensplatz said.
Lodensplatz said retards with big cocks usually don't get any further in life than retards without them.
"Once the electorate thought Ford was a 'tard, no amount of cock could ever rescue him from defeat at the polls," he said.
"Richard Nixon and John F. Kennedy were tied in length. Nixon's was fatter in the shaft while Kennedy had a much more bulbous head, and historians to this day have no idea who really won that election, thanks to ballot stuffing in Texas for Johnson and in mafia strongholds for Kennedy," Lodensplatz said.
Other Presidential Election models suggest a close race but a Trump victory too, but all of them have other factors than Trump's cock pointing to him winning in November.
"There is also always the chance of an 'October Surprise'," Lodensplatz said, referring to a revelation just as the election nears that upsets all prediction models.
And what if that surprise turns out to be that Hillary Clinton has a cock?
"Strictly speaking, my model would give it to her if Trump's cock is smaller , but, I think a woman with a huge cock might be such an inherently hideous idea that victory would go to Trump," Lodensplatz said.