Written by KRS
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Monday, 26 September 2016

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The Sigma Kappa Alpha Tau political science honor fraternity of Hofstra University has had metal detectors removed from all entrances leading into the auditorium that will be the stage of the 1st Presidential Debate of the 2016 election.

Bartholomew Simpson, spokesman for the fraternity answered security questions by telling the massive media presence, "Frankly, our concern is not the threat of flying bullets but rather the hurling of tomatoes, eggs and rotting cabbage. In light of that, we intend to have at least four hungry swine posted at every entrance and exit to smell incoming produce secreted by attendees. All confiscated vegetable matter will be donated to a local food bank."

Mr. Simpson added, "Social media has been inundated with calls for real-time fact-checking which NBC and Lester Holt have flatly refused to do. Advising the candidates to correct factual errors of their adversary gives Mr. Trump a grotesquely unfair advantage as Clinton will have to use the vast majority of her allotted time reciting the accurate record of her opponent and the plethora of factual errors and other simply made-up crap and voodoo conspiracy theories.

"Consequently, we have installed metal plates in the floorboards directly beneath each of the debaters.

"When our own fact-checkers ascertain a lie, mistruth, stretch, fabrication or prevarication repeated by a nominee, a mild shock will be administered. Also, each candidate will be required to don a wireless earpiece, designed to transmit a knee-buckling shrill tone lasting (10) milliseconds for any remark deemed to be bat shit crazy by a majority of our fraternity.

"Initially, neither the audience in the auditorium nor TV viewers will likely be aware of the negative reinforcement. Also, we intend to increment the voltage/amperage with each intentional misstatement, in our anticipation the behavior modification will discourage future liberties taken with the truth.

"If it is deemed candidate Trump is in danger of lethal electrocution, we will simply turn down the volume of his microphone to an audible level perceptible only by bats, dogs or cetaceans while continuing to administer sub-lethal voltage.

"We have also cordoned off a five-mile radius around the debate setting designed to exclude bats, dogs and cetaceans as a measure to avoid conflicts with PETA."

"As the law-and-order candidate, surely Mr. Trump will have no objection," Simpson added.

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