Written by Keith Shirey
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Thursday, 22 September 2016

image for Trump To Command Military Expedition Against ISIS
TRUMP SAYS U.S. MILITARY A DISASTER SO HE WILL TAKE OVER THEIR JOBS

In November 2015 Donald Trump said, "I know more about ISIS than the generals do. Believe me." In that same year Mr. Trump stated, "I always felt that I was in the military" because of his education at a military-themed boarding school. He said his experience at the New York Military Academy, an expensive prep school, gave him "more training militarily than a lot of the guys that go into the military."

Now, Mr. Trump will put his military expertise to the test against ISIS in Iraq and Syria. He will lead an expeditionary force of volunteers to defeat the Islamic State. The announcement came yesterday, at Trump campaign headquarters as throughout the U.S. his campaign offices offered his dedicated supporters the opportunity to sign up for the expedition. You may now call me "General Donald" said Trump.

At a news conference yesterday, after leading press and TV on a tour of his new hotel in D.C., Trump said that he, himself, would not be engaged in the fighting because of the heel spurs that kept him out of the Vietnam War, "Although," he stated, "remember, I was a tremendous athlete. " He continued, "Now, against ISIS, I won't fight but I will lead. I will be the greatest military strategist God ever created. I will be so good at the military your head will spin. We don't win anymore but now we will, believe me."

He further stated, at the news conference, where Trump Water, Trump Steaks, and Trump Wine were prominently on display, "Trust me, the very best retired generals will lead our volunteer forces. They are amazing, beautiful people."

He said The Republican National Committee will finance the military expedition. "You can take it to the bank, Reince Priebus, the loser head of the RNC will provide the funds. He shines my shoes and kisses my ass ever time I summon him to Trump Towers," said the GOP candidate. He stated that other funding will come from billionaires PayPal founder Peter Thiel, investor Carl Icahn, casino magnate Sheldon Adelson, and TD Ameritrade founder J. Joe Ricketts. Neither Mr. Priebus nor the billionaires could be reached for comment.

Trump has repeatedly called the U.S. military a disaster. At the news conference he said, "The U.S. and allied forces must step aside and let me defeat ISIS. "I will utterly rout them in no time. It will be sudden and tremendous."

In the 24-hour period since the announcement of the plans for the Trump Volunteer Forces no one has signed up for service, although there were opportunities in hundreds of Trump Headquarters' operations in the United States. As Joe Hanger, 24, of Camden N.J., put it, "I said I'd vote for Trump, not die or be mutilated."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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