Heaven - Last Sunday Mother Teresa revered for her work with the poor in India, was proclaimed a saint by Pope Francis in a ceremony at the Vatican. On the following Monday, I reported that Hillary Clinton was on the Vatican's short list for the next beatification. As previously disclosed, a Vatican spokesperson said: "Although Mrs. Clinton isn't dead yet, we believe she is more than worthy of sainthood by her great works, the miracles she has performed, and we need to get a head start on the process."
Normally, any professional journalist would be thrilled at having the opportunity with such an exclusive. Thinking, even Pulitzer Prize waiting in the wings. Or, a deserving pair of wings in the hereafter. In this case, not so nice. Consternations from both the left and right abound. I suppose my article on the political poll showing Hillary beating Jesus didn't help matters.
The left is angry because the two-to-one Jewish vote edge Hillary had over Donald Trump, reported by research consultancy Gallup, is now slipping fast. The Anglican right is outraged because they think Hillary and Bill are sinners. The Vatican is infuriated because they thought my comparison of Mother Teresa and Mother Hillary was obscenely biased.
In a phone conversation with a Vatican spokesperson, he said: "After reading your stories, if you [me] were a Catholic we would excommunicate you in a nanosecond." "Your stories about Jesus and Hillary are Blasphemy and you will burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity!" I replied: "Seems like a fair trade to me." "Much better than having to hear Hillary Clinton for four more years."
After all the controversy, I decided to ask the Big Kahuna himself about what he thought of a Mother Hillary sainthood. Don't get me wrong, I don't talk to God on a daily basis, like I'm sure Hillary does, just a one shot interview on her beatification.
Here's my interview with God.
God: "You've been a bad little girl saying naughty things again, haven't you?"
Me: "No, God, wasn't me." "It was the Russians."
God: "You know what happens to bad girls who lie, don't you?"
Me: "Yes, God." "They are forced to watch Hillary Clinton speeches over and over again for all eternity."
God: "You know what Jesus said: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
Me: "Jesus didn't say that."
God: "Don't try my patience." "Do Hillary speeches for an eternity ring a bell?"
Me: "Yes, God." "Can we get to my questions now?"
God: "If you must."
Me: "Do you think the Hillary email scandals will hurt her chances for sainthood?"
God: "You 21st century people, that's all you can think about, your damn little cell phones and email." "I remember when you use paint messages on a cave wall and wait 10,000 years for someone to read it." "Now, after just a few minutes, if you can't get an email message, you throw your phone in disgust and take my name in vain." "Email, she-mail, shmeal".
Me: "Do you think the Clinton Foundation will help or hurt Hillary's changes for sainthood?"
God: "I'm not too keen on non-profit organizations taking in millions of dollars, keeping the majority for themselves, and not doing much to help the poor and homeless." "Those guys with the funny hats, expensive long flowing robes, and full of piety have been on my shit list for a long time."
Me: "What do you think about Hillary's association with Anthony Wiener and her husband Bill?"
God: "You probably remember Sodom and Gomorrah, the last time some perverts pissed me off." "I have something special waiting for those two deviants."
Me: "Don't you think Hillary's life of sacrifice for public service qualifies her for sainthood?"
God: "I remember when people had the fear of God in them and sacrificed lambs and their first born instead." "I miss those good old days."
Me: "There have been numerous reports concerning Hillary's ill health, such as her falling down stairs, loss of memory, and coughing binges." "Since a person has to be dead before they are canonized, does this mean she is on the fast track to sainthood?"
God: "I don't have much control over a person's health." "Excuse one of my old euphemisms: You are what you eat." "Maybe if Hillary stopped porking-out on all those hotel buffets, passed up a shrimp platter once in awhile, and lost a few pounds from that burgeoning behind of hers, she might feel better."
Me: "Do you believe Mother Hillary is really deserving of sainthood?"
God: "To tell you the truth, after watching the Democratic National Convention, I was pretty convinced." "All those wonderful, heartwarming stories about Hillary and Bill brought a tear to my eye." "However, there were a few gaps in her story." "Like the time she threw the lamp at Bill and gave him a black eye after finding out about Monica Lewinsky." "And, when she threw my favorite book, the Bible, at a secret service agent." "I realize everyone has a bad day once in awhile." Even Jesus had some, when he chased merchants and angrily over turned money changer's tables." "I'm going to have Saint Peter check the book of life before I comment any further."