Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Monday, 5 September 2016

image for Patient Dies After Firing His "Career Oncologist"
Don't Tread on Me

New Hartford, CT--Reggie Whitford, a patient suffering from stage 2 colorectal cancer, died on Tuesday eight months after firing what he groused to his family members was a "goddamn career oncologist."

His former oncologist, Dr. Sudhir Parikh, was fired because, as Reggie said to his wife when he fired him, "I don't want some goddamn 'career oncologist' working on my innards! I want a citizen oncologist to work on me--someone who hasn't been practicing as an oncologist for decades." To that end, Mr. Whitford hired a new oncologist, just out of medical school, named Brian Highwater, who looked over Mr. Whitford's medical records from Dr. Parikh and promptly recommended a completely new course of treatment which, two months later, resulted in his untimely death for a cancer that, as Dr. Parikh opined, was probably "highly treatable."

Mr. Whitford, wearing his familiar "Don't Tread on Me" T-shirt, was heard to grouse, on his deathbed, "That's the last time I hire a goddamn 'citizen oncologist!'"

Mr. Whitford's funeral is being arranged with Jonathan Dobbling, of Dobbling and Erschell Funeral Home, who, Mr. Whitford's wife Peggy says, is a career mortician.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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