The President of the Islamic State issued a videotaped press release yesterday announcing the organization's new "Terrorists for Trump" campaign. Al-Baghdadi reminded the world that jihadism thrives on chaos, and thus Islam State leaders concluded that a Trump presidency would serve their best interests.
al-Baghdadi declined to reveal how much the "Terrorists for Trump" PAC contributed to the Trump campaign, citing the protection of Citizens United. He was willing to announce that volunteerism at ISIS has spiked with Trump's threats "to bomb the hell out of 'em." Al-Baghdadi's team has hired more people on his outreach team to keep up with the vetting and training ISIS requires for its recruits.
"Like myself al-Baghdadi is brilliant at organizing workers without spending much money," Trump said, comparing himself to the brutal leader.
Candidate Trump thanked the group for its support, saying that he believes it means the group is afraid of him. "ISIS knows my foreign policy is gonna bring on the hurt and he (al-Baghdadi) is trying to be friends before I'm sittin' at my desk where I can hit the nuke button." Trump supporters have taken to social media in a wave of praise for Trump's clever understanding of how ISIS works.
Trump echoed former campaign promises that he will not be beholden to any special interests for contributions. He said his campaign sent a donation thank you letter to "Terrorists for Trump" to affirm they should not expect any special favors from his administration. Trump said it's important for "Terrorists for Trump" to know that he still plans to wipe out ISIS with indiscriminate bombing in Syria.
After the election Trump plans to hold a reception for ISIS leaders to invite their feedback on how the U.S. and ISIS can work together. He will order Air Force One to transport any guest from the Islamic State who is currently on the terrorism no-fly list. Loaded guns will be allowed at the reception although tennis balls and Nerf dart guns are banned.
The ISIS press release added that they vetted candidate Hillary Clinton about whether they should create a PAC to support her. In the end they concluded she would send drones to their business address which is printed on their checks. "And if they know where we bank, she might freeze our account.
Author's note: This article is entirely a satire on current political events and is based solely on my personal opinions.