Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Friday, 26 August 2016

image for For Debate Prep, the Clinton Campaign Hires a Nine Year Old Who Ran a Successful Lemonade Stand as a Stand-in for Donald Trump
Billy Vermon, Lemonade Magnate

Washington, D. C.--In preparing for the upcoming debates with Donald Trump, Clinton campaign spokesperson Robby Mook announced today that it has has hired Billy Vermon, a successful lemonade magnate, to stand in for Donald Trump.

Nine year old Billy Vermon, who made his hundreds with a successful chain of lemonade stands he ran in and around his neighborhood in suburban Birmingham, AL, says he really hates "Obummer" and "Killary," and looks forward to the opportunity of debating Clinton, if only for make believe. Billy reportedly hates the girls in his fourth grade class at George Wallace Elementary School, except, he adds, "for the really hot ones!" Billy also refuses to serve anyone of Hispanic or "Moslem" (as he says) extraction at this lemonade stand, and brags that he once built a wall out of pillows to keep his younger sister out of the family room so he could play Enter the Gungeon with his friends and not be bothered by "gurls."

On the issue of exporting eleven million immigrants from the United States, Billy is uncertain, explaining, "Why would I want to extort eleven million people that I don't even know? I'll have to think about that." If, for some reason, Billy can't make it for the debate prep, campaign insiders say the Clinton campaign is considering using Ann Coulter as a stand-in for Trump, once she has had her rabies shot.

Ann Coulter, foaming at the mouth, was not available for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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