Wall Street Kernel - With the recent release of the devastating Baker Iraq Study Group Report, suggesting that 'stay the course' strategy was unrealistic - sanitized word for suicidal - George W. Bush - 43, following a rug chewing, wall kicking tantrum in the Oval Office, decided to throw in the towel, give it all up, admit he stole the Florida election in 2000 and return the White House to the rightful winner and resident, former Vice President Al Gore.
Caught off guard by the announcement, tree hugging Mr. Gore's reaction was described by newsmen as: "Yeah, what? The kid is jumping ship? He's bailing out? Not showing up for the final months of service to his country? Seems like deja vu all over again."
As a final gesture in office, George W. Bush - 43, pardoned himself for all kinds of mistakes, falsehoods, misdemeanors, parking tickets, war crimes, double dipping and crimes against humanity he may or may not have committed while serving as President of the United States; awarding himself the Medal of Freedom, a doubled pension, adding a pension for Laura and the twins.
"Hold it right there, pilgrim," Mr. Gore was heard to holler while the Bush RV, (packed with furniture, leg lamps, pots, pans, memorabilia and a mattress tied on top) rolled down the White House driveway, "You're leaving me with a kettle of spoiled, globally warmed, overcooked, smelling fish, which probably includes endangered white whale, and this is a Cum-ba-ya moment."
"Blame it on the Supreme Court. They gave me the job," he shouted, "I'm an innocent party."
That said, the Wall Street Kernel further reports the RV backfired, expelling a cloud of thick black exhaust, leaving Gore covered in grime. Still in a bathrobe and bedroom slippers, the former Vice President and new President of the United States, addressed the group of newsmen saying: "Well, I just never!"
First order of business: Give Saddam Hussein a new neck tie (preferably Hermes and not a rope) and reinstate him as President of the new and liberated Iraq, "Thank the lord we didn't hang him."
Resurrects the new and liberated Bath Party, "Naughty, not nice, but able."
Get our troops out of Iraq; and design an alternative energy source not dependent on oil, polonium or sushi.