Written by Derrick Patenaude
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Thursday, 18 August 2016

33 year old two time zombie Jesus of Nazareth was tasered by an off duty policeman Sunday morning after he entered a Catholic church during mass.

Witnesses from a home across the street from the church report seeing "some scroungy looking guy" enter the church around 10am Sunday, followed by a lot of yelling coming from inside the church.

"It sounded terrible," said one woman, "I knew right away what it was cause my nephew always be watch'n those taser videos on YouTube so I hearn it a zillion times before."

Church goer Brenda Phandy said "some loser in a robe and sandals barged in in the middle of mass and said I am Jesus your Lord and savour blah blah blah this that and the other thing and we all just started laughing. But I was scared, I was scared." She continued with her hand on her chest and her eyes wide open.

"I think that's what got Tellman going." Another man interrupted, referring to Chris Tellman, the police officer and practicing Catholic who tasered Jesus. Tellman gave a statement after the incident stating in part, "Looks like some loser hippy to me, and he's got no place hear under the roof of God pretending to be my savior, scaring the kids, I don't care if he's Jesus or not, that's not how you conduct yourself in the house of the Lord," he continued, "so as soon as he lifted his hippy arms, raising his robe, exposing a large part of his legs to the church I lit'em up."

Police arrived shortly after the incident and quickly handcuffed what they described to be "a homeless delusional individual."

Jesus survived the violent electrocution and is being held at a local mental health facility where he's undergoing a completely voluntary mental health evaluation, and released a statement to the press stating, "I forgive you all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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