Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Thursday, 4 August 2016

image for Donald Trump Suspends Campaign After Running Out of Adjectives Aimed at the Level of Fourth Graders

TRUMP HEADQUARTERS (that is, Trump's head)--Donald Trump today suspended his campaign after running out of adjectives aimed at his main demographic: Those who speak and write at the level of fourth graders. After "Crooked Hillary" began to get old, Trump replaced it with "Dishonest" and "Double-dealing Hillary." But once those adjectives began to wear thin, Trump went to a thesaurus and tried stirring up his crowds with "Beguiling" and "Duplicitous Hillary," which left many of those in his audience scratching their heads or going quickly to their smartphones to look up the words.

And Trump, still holding a grudge against Ted Cruz for not endorsing him at the Republican Convention two weeks ago, threw his audience even further when, tiring of the word "Lyin" to describe his nemesis (that's "enemy," for Trump supporters), he resorted to calling Cruz "Mendacious Ted" and "Prevaricating Ted." This riled up his audience even more, since many of them thought that Latin was only spoken in Latin American or by Latinos in the United States, so they began chanting, "Build that wall! Build that wall." The crowd's chants nearly drowned out a lone member in the audience (an English teacher with pronounced sesquipedalian and xenophobic tendencies), who could be heard chanting "Fabricate that rampart! Fabricate that rampart!" (The lone chanter was immediately escorted from the rally, amid shouts and jeers of "Egghead! Egghead! Egghead!")

The Trump campaign is expected to resume once Donald Trump can spend more time memorizing more adjectives (or what he calls his "best words"), or once the Trump campaign begins to attract crowds that can understand vocabulary words above a fourth grade level.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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