*DISCLAIMER* All names of people and organisations contained herein, barring Mr Trump, are works of fiction and any resemblance to any real figure is purely coincidental
WASHINGTON, D.C., January 21st, 2017 - BREAKING: Since President Donald Trump was elected to power all crime in the contiguous U.S. has ceased.
Political analysts were quick to unanimously praise Trump's campaign for its abolition of crime, with debates as to how it happened.
Some allude that Trump's wall stopped the flow of Mexicans into the United States, who brought with them all of the US' problems.
Speaking from the think tank Go Home Bloody Immigrants, Pr. John Hartley said "I think that it is Trump's move to stop the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico that has led to this breakthrough, it is unthinkable that somebody who wasn't a foreigner could ever commit a crime."
The National Association of American Criminals' president, the Joker of Gotham, issued a statement that "all crime will now cease in the United States due to the election of President Trump out of respect for his wishes."
All criminals are said to have ceased their illicit doings at 11:59pm on January 19th, opting to become businessmen like Trump which, one could argue, isn't much of an improvement over their former criminal disposition. They also said: "It's a good thing it was Trump and not (democratic nominee) Hillary Clinton, otherwise we would have had no choice but to increase crime tenfold."
Many are impressed, and have been won over to Trump's campaign.
Take Comrade Charlbury, a mildly left-wing chap of 24, who formerly supported Sanders' bid for the presidency and proletarian revolution: "No, Trump's really won me over with his total and utter abolition of crime, I am now a devoted Trump supporter and will name my children Donald, if male, or Ivana, if female."
However, some are sceptical and argue that Trump has not addressed the real problems in American society.
Melinda Baitman, 26, says that "although Trump may have abolished crime, he has not dealt with the true scourge on American society that is Donald Trump", adding "if he could eliminate that from society, he would win my respect"