Written by StubbornGorilla
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Friday, 22 July 2016

image for NO LIVES MATTER as God orders the start of the apocalypse
"Why do you tell Me how your day was instead of complaining about Hillary again for the 1000th time?"

After checking out facebook for a half hour, and reading the comments section under a review for the Ghostbusters remake, God decided enough was enough, and had the seven angels sound their trumpets marking the end of the rein of mankind on earth.

"Seriously, if I read one more article that tells me its going to change my whole perspective with one sentence I'm going to puke," the Creator of All Things professed.

God sited a number of contributing factors that fed in to His decision to bring about the end of mankind as we know it, most of which revolved around the fact that we aren't very good at communicating with or being nice to each other.

"I named it the golden rule to get everyone's attention. I mean, who doesn't like gold, right?" God explained. "Unfortunately, I totally misjudged how distracting Pokemon Go would be."

God specifically mentioned social media as the primary culprit for the erosion of goodwill in the world.

"Listen, I am right all the time by my nature. I understand the allure, and the feeling of gratification that comes with it," God stated in understanding. "However, none of you guys are Me."

God went on to express His dissatisfaction with the decline of the human race's ability to properly interact and disseminate ideas with one another.

"You would think that having the ability to reach out to anyone almost anywhere in the world would be a boon to the art of communication. Unfortunately, you jamokes have taken this grand opportunity to unite the world, and decided to yell at each other about how right you are and how wrong everyone else is instead."

With the end of times, God has listed the following changes for the internet will be in effect:

1. Anything you write on the internet will be etched into your forehead for a period of 7 days, so maybe don't post every thought that goes through your head, and forget about the "safety of anonymity".

2. Anyone who tries to bully other people into thinking the same way they do will be forced to participate in the Abaddon Pee Dunk Tank Trial. There, they will be forced to sit over a tank filled with the pee of 1000 demons and let individuals from the offended group try to dunk them by throwing baseballs at a target with whatever nasty venom they had spewed on the internet scrawled upon it.

3. Anyone caught posting an act of hatred or aggression against another person or group will be forced to sit in a room with Donald Trump for 24 hours, and listen to him talk about himself.

4. The misappropriation of any religious texts for the purposes of manipulating other people to act in an obviously ungodly and overall not nice manner will result in a personal storm cloud raining fire and brimstone to appear over the offender's head and pelt them with burning, sulfur stinking misery until they get their own mind straight.

5. The ability to repost obvious, agenda spewing spam on other people's facebook walls will be permanently suspended, because nobody really cares which presidential candidate will bring about the end of the world because it already happened.

To prove he isn't a total wet blanket, God declared that anyone posting nice comments followed by smiley face emojis will be allowed to choose between a half hour getting to pet puppies or a one day endless milkshake cup.

"All I ever wanted was for all of you guys to get along," God lamented.

Asked how he felt about the role of the internet in the destruction of society, God would only reply, "Al Gore has a lot to answer for."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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