Marla Maples will open the proceeding singing:My Man. If there is a standing ovation, she will encore using the Little Fish routine she performed in the Dancing With The Stars contest, even though the routine followed with her elimination.
It may or may not be true, but Donald Trump is planning to enter the convention hall on a zip-line. Not true is the rumor that a secure anchor for the zip line has not been located. Though Boris Johnson managed a zip-line entrance for the opening of the Olympics in London, he got stuck in the middle and was left swinging in the breeze.
Trump likes the zip-line entrance, but doesn't want to get stuck. It wouldn't appear very presidential. Racism, misogyny, torture, birtherism, encouraging violence and name-calling is, however, okay.
If he selects Rudolph Giuliani or Newt Gingrich as his vice president, there will be a chorus line of six wives (both ex and present) to cheer his entrance. Marla is willing to throw in another number, although, Yes, We Have No Bananas, has been axed.
Dick Cheney will be a keynote speaker as well as Sarah Palin, Governor Oops, Governor Ultra Sound, Governor Impregnate White Girls, Antonin Scalia (in hologram form), Michele Bachman, Chris Christie and the Trump children.
Trump's program planners are trying to sign up a Scottish bagpipe group, but the Scots will only perform if payment is presented up front.
"Scots don't trust me."
However, the burlesque Oompah-band from the Cabaret musical is willing to perform free of charge.
Marco Rubio, running for the old senate seat from Florida that he abandoned to run for president, (falling short of winning by losing to Donald Trump) will speak on Trump's behalf only if Trump apologizes for saying that Rubio's father had something to do with the assassination of JFK. Or was that Canadian Ted Cruz' father?
The final salute to Trump will be a lineup of Miss America winners from 2015 to 1921, dressed in the stars and stripes, singing:Smoke Gets In Your Eyes...
"Trust me, it's going to be huge!"